Ministry, Work, Love, and Life

Hehe. Class went well today. No problems with kids, got to speak one on one with one of the parents, who is my age with a six year old. The service wentinto serious overtime, so I had the kids get together with me and pray for some family stuff, and had time to pray for each one of them and myself. We also prayed for my cousin’s spiritual well-being. This was a first-time deal for one of the kids, which made it an awesme experience for me.

  I also got a paper for other means of employment and managed to get up early to make breakfast for the family. When I went to church, I started a conversation with one of the elder members about what I’m going thru with God. In the course of conversations, others frequently join in, which is no problem. Anyway, I was at the part where I generally say my piece and get weird looks, when she finished my sentence. The other person was looking at us like we were crazy, but we were on the same page.

The statement I started was ” Ya know when you’re on the verge of getting deeper with God, and you’re not really sure what’s next…” She finished…”and you get kinda excited and scared, and kinda emotional, and that?”. For a split second, I was 12 again, standing next to Erin, scheming together about getting out of the trailer park. Doing something so great, so big, that involved all of our friends, and doing good for everyone.

  Because that’s who we were, “The twins who weren’t twins”. Now, I remember, that’s what they called us. We were always hurting each other with our bottle rockets, and,as young girls do, giving away each other’s secrets at the worst moments, to the people who used it against us later on. We were so alike in heart, but in head and determiination, she was so much more deliberate. She always knew how to work a situation, where I would watch in awe.

  I miss my girl. We went thru so much together, and her 28th birthday just passing, makes me feel I should be doing something that would have made her proud of me. Something so like her, so in-your-face, that she would throw her head back and laugh, as if she had done it herself. Fairchild’s have always held back a part of themselves, only for other dreamers. You just know when you’re in their midst. Like a unicorn or a leprechaun, you may have seen it, but maybe it was just your imagination.

   If ever I had a partner in crime{sigh}. Anyway, I shouldn’t linger here much longer, as I have to work tonight and I need a nap.

     I can’t imagine what God is trying to teach me about Himself.  I’ve been kinda low key for the last few days, very close to tears many times; Read a book about chasing God and how He prefers us to want Him, not just His blessings. Amen

     My thoughts were that this could lead somewhere,but also this guy just wants to lead us to buy more books.  Oh, my selfish heart. It’s not been the same since an acquaintance of mine said it bothered him that whenever someone spoke at their church, they were selling something.

    While that may be true, do you think that would lead you to believe that there is something amiss at your church? Couldn’t be,could it? Has it become a brood of vipers? Perish the thought.

     On to bigger and bigger obstacles…

       I’m trying to learn to type correctly for a job interview on Feb 13th, which, if I improve or feel ready earlier, will be sooner than that, so the Bruce and I can celebrate his old age. Meanwhile, I’ve taken on a part time basis, a job that I believe in, without reservation, is my way of helping to free captives. This would be  Primerica. While it is geared more toward couples, they are helping me get a financial plan together. After that, I will be helping others do the same.

     This weekend will be my second time teaching the children’s class since the church came into my life. Excited but nervous. Expectant because of what’s been happening lately. I have been able to let go of circumstances more and more.

  My youngest sister called last night to tell me that my cousin has been given a week to live. She is also losing the battle with cancer.  Her kidneys are turning to rocks and protruding through her stomach from the tumors. I pray for her because it is times like these that God works miracles in.

    On the other hand, she’s not being obedient to God.  I pray anyway. I pray for her to know Him deeper than she ever has. I just expect His will be done. The odd, yet lovely in all of this? I have no hard feelings towards her,at all. When we lived together, I was always mad at her. And here I thought I haven’t grown.

     Sometimes, it’s hard for me to see the changes and I must go back to God and find out what I should be doing. For example, this week, after my associates were still complaining about the way we are treated by our boss, God decided to have me speak for them. Me and confrontation? Not the best of friends, especially when I don’t know who I’m cionfronting.

   Anyway, after much discussion with some very wise people, I took a witness and talked to her boss. Luckily, the witness spoke up when I was fighting the tears, giving me a chance to recompose. I admitted my part in the situation and spoke of the double-sidedness of the boss. Upon leaving, I was reminded of my own faults in this area; I have committed to be honest at all times, no matter how much it costs me.

just a little frustration. So, having realized that I left an all-too-crucial point out of my last post{make that two}, I shall continue it now.

  I am not suicidal and I don’t plan on being a hermit. Nor do I blame anyone else for what I do. I was just trying to point out that sometimes we let the wrong things influence us. I have made the decision to not give people too much credit, and instead of taking my concerns to them, giving them to God, so as to enjoy my friends more. After all, they can’t live my life for me.

  Quite literally. After reviewing my current situation and realizing there is no hope for me apart from God, He opened my eyes to why my problems continue.This is the answer to life. Only God can tell you what you’re doing wrong.

 It may be subtle, but it’s there. You have to trust Him enough to take your burdens to Him, and let go. I knew this in my head, but alas, my heart has grown colder than I thought. After Mr.Right turned into Mr. Daddy, I was confused, to say the least; I know I did the right thing, but the path was a hard one. Bitterness sets in quickly as the enemy looks for weakness.

    I feel more and more like a caged jaguar these days, incapable of the splendor that accompanies freedom, yet at the same time reveling that my eyes are opened.

    Do I want to know? Honestly, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I long to sit and wait for my friends to catch up, for one person to say, “I am with you. We’re on the same page. I know what you mean.” No, like the  hobbit, this is my burden, yet it is my joy. He is not safe, but He is good.

   As I type this, I was just given an opportunity to help people get out of debt, and after research, am considering it wholeheartedly. Remember the promise of Quixtar? This being said, I talked to Ken today. He asked me why I won’t go back to Quixtar instead of doing this Primerica thing, and I answered him honestly.

   It was a decision of my own making. Crazy as it seems, some people think they have way more influence than they do. They are convinced that God can only be with one person at a time. He is omnipresent people! Anyway, I, in turn, asked him if he thought I looked down upon him for continuing in Quixtar. He said no, with hesitation. My heart breaks for my friend. I don’t know what he’s going through and I can’t help him. Worst of all, he’s not the only one.

  Mark seems to be struggling with some things that my eyes are not open to. Maybe this is part of the distraction. I weep for my brother. As I stretch toward God, I realize it is my friends that I must let go of. I say this with the utmost caution, as not to offend in my heart; this is where my path seperates from theirs.God is getting me ready for His service, and I dare not tarry any longer.

    The preparations are made. The lines have been drawn. My master calls me to His divine embrace.  I love you, but I must move on. Shadows of men I can no longer chase. A follower or a leader? Both take my charge, As I follow on faith, not looking back. As we part and the river flows between us, I recall the beauty of fellowship and days fallen behind. In the splendor of freedom, some things must be lost, that the best be obtained. Let us not part ways forever, my friends. No, this is for but a time. Do not fear for me, as I know who guides my steps. Pray for me, as I keep you in my heart. No matter the distance or time, we are not seperated forever. My love for you will not wane. My hope for you is assured, for the God of faith has a plan for us all.  Safety, I may not have. But, I will be comforted. For when I am weak, I know that God is in control; I am where He wants me to be.

Who is to say when our paths will cross again? Who knows the hour of their homegoing? Not I. Do not be fooled. Hold on to hope; without it, what reason is there to continue? The sun has new power, the thaw of a cold winter gives way to spring, and I, yes I, must wait. With the thaw there must be a release of the floodwaters. As I take the deep breath on the edge of this waterfall, a hesitation moves me to look back.

     Look back; I cannot do it, for there I know I will turn into a pillar not of salt, but stone. Only God can help me now, so the first step I must take; the water’s power is held at bay. It will not be released until I dive into a place of trust that, once breached, cannot be denied. I will bring His glory to the people.

   Trying as this time may be, I encourage that you grow steadfastly in your love of Christ until the time when we fellowship again. For God’s glory. For Love. For the King who is alone worthy of praise. I leap into the arms of my Maker.

I’m pretty much at the point that I would do anything to get out of this house;of course that excludes being homeless. That would suck. Job hunting, got three possibilities right now.

     First, a collection agency in Englewood; then a second finance company down here; and third, an airport screener. I need to be on my own. I need to know that I can be responsible without other people.

     To say God is in the details of the jobhunt may seem presumptuos to anyone else, but who actually calls people to tell them they’re hiring? That’s right, not a whole lot of people. There’s still a possibility of working at the church, though.

    I don’t care if I never see another application again. Did three online today. I also never wanna see another face scrubber, register, or light bulb again. We worked in the whole store today.

    Ok, time for a nap before Prayer Meeting. It is well with my soul.

It’s starting to look up. I thank God for the people who hold me down. The only place to look is up.

  Next week and the following, I get the Sunday School class. If I can handle these kids, the teens should be a no-brainer. It’s not enough to say that I’m a little stressed, no matter how much I pray; still not smoking, though.

  On the work-front, things have calmed down, and I get along with pretty much everyone. The lunch guy, not a problem anymore. I don’t mind so much that I’m more or less a supervisor. Fun all around. Still looking for other employment, though.

The love department: not so much. I’d rather be friends first and most everyone I meet nowadays is taken or not morally sound. And they think I’m strange.

Life in general? Mark and I are cleaning out the garage today, hopefully to get rid  of stuff. we got a weight bench and some weights. I plan to workout as soon as the garage door’s fixed. Still praying for the resources to move out.

One of my worst nightmares has come true. I went to lunch with one of the guys from our crew last night. Escorted to the car, door opened for me (and closed).Good discussion and good meal. Very affectionate guy, cariing, all that good garbage as far as I can tell. Then the great part.

  He has a girlfriend. Add to that, she’s pregnant.  I’m not stupid, but I asked him if she knew he was so affectionate with others, to which, what else would be his response but, “Of course”. Liar, liar, pants should be on fire. No way.

  So, pretty much, there’s just an irony to all of this, which makes it hilarious. I get what I ask for and now I don’t want it. Not from someone who’s already taken. So, now, on top of looking for another job, add the stress of telling someone I work with that he should keep his hands to himself because it’s too tempting for me. Ok, I get it God. Communication skills 101. Time for some Kool-aid.

Someone needs to explain to me how these losers get away with the things they do. I’m sorry, if you’re in a relationship, where you “love” the other person, and it’s serious, and all that good pack of lies, why would you come onto someone else?

Do people really think this is a good way to live? My goodness! I am so tired of being approached by these guys, who not only have kids, don’t have a problem that they’re from however many girls, and expect me to be on board with their crap. Sure, babe, because you’ve been so faithful to all your baby’s momma’s, lemme just hop in bed with you, ‘cuz it’s such a turn-on. What kind of brain-damaged kinda thing is that?!

Usually, my “I’m waiting til I get married” deal gets rid of these guys. Notsomuch lately. I was considering wearing a ring, but it’s highly improbable that some people have respect for that, either.

And then, there’s the temptation. It’s not like I can discuss it with the people I talk to, because they just play off of it, like it’s funny that I am constantly fighting the lustful thoughts that run through my head. It amuses them. As I’m trying to grow in my walk, they keep using for their entertainment.

And it’s not just guys anymore, either. Nothing is sacred. Women who have no problem telling others what should be kept between them and their S.O. No respect. I tell ya.

Why am I single? Maybe I just don’t believe anymore that there’s a possibility of equality in a relationship like that . Fear of confrontation, fear of commitment, fear of actually relating to someone on a level that is beyond explanation, just to find out it was a farce.

Interestingly enough, I believe it could happen that I would find someone who is everything I could possibly want in a man, and want to ruin it just for spite. I don’t know why, but it’s a haunting feeling.

Even wierder than that, is when someone I may or may not be interested in starts getting closer, and I shut them out. Making excuses, rationalizing my way out of the obvious interest. And yet, I hold on to hope that they see thru it. Right.

Why I do it is beyond even me. I’m not holding out for something better, I’m not really so afraid of the work that it takes. But, maybe, the possibility that I put in the work, the guy puts in the work, and it still doesn’t work out. Someone still gets hurt to the point of walking or running away. Or worse, staying in the relationship when there’s nothing left to hold on to. Again

I just want to be excited about seeing someone again. Not the whole beginning of a relationship kind of thrill.Genuine excitement that two people, flawed as we are, can see past the differences, talk openly and honestly, not manipulate each other, trust God, and just be. Thru the quiet times, because there’s nothing to say, the wild times, when you both talk at once and then just laugh about it (instead of accusing each other of not listening), thru pain and joy and life, and yes, I do believe it’s possible.

Ok, there’s my thoughts, based on a day of temptation and confession. It’s time for a nap.

Let’s just say the new year must have in it great opportunity for my growth and development. I must keep in mind that not all things are what they seem.

   This remodel thing, I found out, is quite easy work. I have been challenged to be a leader, even though it’s not what I want to do; and in this have been reprimanded because people do what I say, and I apparently have set a bad example.

  So, again, I am keeping my options open as to employment, even though I’d rather fall off the face of the earth. Define “actively searching”. I hate job hunting, but I hate not being employed more. More than either, I don’t believe it’s very courteous to tell someone that you hold their job in your hands. I will not be lorded over by estrogen-crazed, personality-deprived worldly people, but I will do everything as I am doing it for God.