Ministry, Work, Love, and Life

written after the “no-fight” break-up
August 26, 2007, 3:40 pm
Filed under: Girly

Apparently, I have a gift of writing only under severe mental duress, but I’m happy with this one. It wasn’t supposed to be a poem, but a prayer, cuz I’m tired of being without, yet not willing to settle. I was stressed b/c the man involved was pretty much perfect for me at the time, but we had different views on how the kids would be raised. No point on continuing knowing what I knew. My roommate, who is one of the most wonderful people I know, after meeting him, said I should write a list of what I want in a man, and I’ll see that he isn’t it. She said it in love, and she’s right. Still, it took a week to seal the deal. If you are this guy, I hope there are no hard feelings.

So, here’s one for my “girly” section.

I pray for a husband, God, who has a heart like yours
A man who, on me, his heart would outpour
He has a heart for You, a heart for me, a heart that cares for all
A man who accepts responsibility, who rises to the Call
Someone who shares my passions, who loves to be outside
He loves to touch me and, for no reason, go for long rides
He wants to make my dreams come true and wants me to be a part of his
God, I pray it’s in Your will for me; it is my heart’s great wish to
find the man who shares my fantasies
The one who serves you, Lord, and secondly is me
He knows when to hold me, and when I need my space
He knows exactly what I need , just looking at my face
He knows because we talk openly about our feelings and thoughts
I will continue to serve You, whether he comes or not
I give You my all today and accept Your will for me
I accept the things that are hard to see when You’ve convicted me
I pray You keep me in Your ways and lead my simple life
I pray that one day You’ll allow me to be a good wife
I ask for what You want for me, and that You make it clear
Cuz Lord I know that You know best
And You are always near


June 29, 2007, 8:28 pm
Filed under: Angela's Journal, Plans

My plans have been put on hold, as my car is not cooperating. I’m so ready to go, even though no one has looked at the apartment, my car is a hole in the bucket, and my nieces are put to bed crying about every other night. I give up control of my life.

 My heart breaks every time I see them. I have no answers for the girls I helped to raise, and telling them to go to Jesus and ask Him for help in dealing with it seems trite. It’s hard not to cry when they mention their mom, as I very much still miss her, too. I would be lieing if I said my heart is 100% in the move, and it’s mostly due to them. It’s an awesome training opportunity, and I would be stupid not to try for it. I miss the rest of my family, too. I miss the “down home”.

  I don’t miss the traffic or humidity, but the activities and the ability to breathe are nice. Guess that’s it for now.

What I know
June 1, 2007, 6:37 am
Filed under: Angela's Journal, Letters to God

I don’t care. Not in a ” I hate you, I don’t care ” sorta way, but I’m not responsible for anyone except me. We weren’t meant to shoulder burdens of others’ feelings, just to comfort them  thru. I hate when people tell me how I should feel, even worse conivingly.

Thank You, for the good, long nap today. Also, that the day was nice enough for the family to go out and play. Thank You, Lord, for the quiet times. The shift of focus was awesome, too. Especially, thank You for letting me “get” Angies POV. She is obviously from Your heart. Handcrafted.

 Thank You for the people who pray for me, as I need it, and You know that. Now that I’ve had a day of rest, Lord, strengthen me for the rest of the week. Don’t let me get lazy on packing and storing, as I remember last minute moving. 32 hours

 Thank You for the blessings You’ve bestowed on me, and all that I thought You held back. It’s all good.

The Village Lost It’s Idiot
May 31, 2007, 3:43 am
Filed under: Letters to God, prayer requests

…and all parties are better for it.

  When things hit the fan, who can put them all back into place better than You? I think I got the message.

  Don’t let my pride get in the way of Your best. We all need humbling experiences, even if they hurt a little {or a lot}. When the Big O catches wind, I ask that he be understanding.  You know I’d love to be forgiven what I did, but Xavier didn’t seem willing to me.

  I pray that You would keep growing me into good relationships with the people that belong in my life, letting me remember the blessings they have all been. God, show me where the hard ones are blessings. My head gets tough, I know.

  God, help me with the violent streak thats been hitting me lately. I can’t seem to get past it, and today was proof that it’s not going anywhere on it’s own. The Statement’s getting old. It’s really not funny anymore. I can’t change without Your help. There is no excuse. Although I’ve pretty much ruined any chance of You using me here, I plead forgiveness and healing.

  Is it this hard for everyone that takes the Walk? Do others just hide it better? I try to trust You, and end up ripping out of Your hands the very things I just claimed to release to You. It’s hard, Lord. I wonder why You evr called me to believe, yet I have no doubt You’re here.

  The Queen lost control, and the jester took the crown, only to realize that he had taken the place a little too well. When the King came back, the Idiot decided the conditions of his station weren’t conducive to his lifestyle, and left promptly. The Queen covered her bruises as if nothing ever happened, moved to the River, and refused to trust the King again.

  Maybe it could be a series…

May 29, 2007, 4:05 pm
Filed under: Letters to God

Thank You, Lord, that everything is in the open. Though probably not the best for relationships, I’m sure there’s a reason. Funny how it always happens in groups. Even funnier how predictably.

Flevoland Plans
May 29, 2007, 4:03 pm
Filed under: Plans

Stow or sell stuff.-06/30

Get boxes and pack.-07/15

Leave. Undetermined 08/15-12/10

I want my money back…
May 12, 2007, 1:37 am
Filed under: Angela's Journal, Letters to God

Yay, Meatloaf! How’s the world today? God, I’m trying to be patient, and it’s hard. You are good, and I’ll wait for You. I feel cranky, and have for a few days. It’s not the loss of the car, nor the dating thing, the roommate things, or the Jeremy thing. He was actually quite nice to me today, though. I’m tired, and I’m actually glad to not have my car, because I’d probably just hit the bar, and shortly after, be meeting You face to face.

  You always said You’d be here, and I trust You on that. How You could forgive me is still a mystery, but I’m trying to believe it. It’s hard, and I’m angry at myself for being so weak. I guess I thought that  facing sexual temptation would be easier after 6 years without the slightest hint, but here I am.

  I feel so guilty and disgusting, but I know that’s not how You see me. You are healing me and working in my heart, and I pray for Your strength.  It’s time to get to work on this.