Filed under: Angela's Journal
It was an awesome concert. I invited my non-beau and a couple of others. Good times, except waiting fifteen minutes to go to the restroom. Afterwards, I danced with Ken, first a couple of line dances, then we hung out awhile and talked. I went outside, and when I came back, he was talking to a bartender, who had asked him to dance. So, when I got back, he asked me to dance, as in couple-type dancing, AAAHHH. But, I said yes, as I trust him to a certain extent. It wasn’t until later that I felt the wierdness of it all.
We have history, but we’ve never “dated”, so to speak. We’ve had our ups and downs, as many friends do, yet we remain friends. I’ve expressed interest and he’s turned me down a couple of times. We were supposed to be going out as friends, but dancing with him and the way he asked just made me so uneasy. I would’ve much more preferred that he danced with the bartender, then I wouldn’t have felt so singled out.
I talked with him today, and he said it sucks that one relationship in the past could affect my future so deeply. I admit I was hurt, and that I couldn’t forget the past. “Why not?” was the response. The conversation cut short because he was dropping me off, but not before I tried to explain that I don’t dwell on it and I’m just working thru old emotions that resurface. It was like talking to my mom, trying to convince her that anything ever happened in the first place.
I’m not sure where that leaves us, but right now, I’m not too concerned. At the counselor’s office, Linda told me that I should journal about the emotional roller coaster, and that has helped. I’ve gotten pretty good at recognizing red flags of shutting out others, or shutting down entirely when I don’t like what’s going on. I responded to a Satanist at work, who insisted on wearing an Anti-Church shirt, by telling him the shirt reminded me of the sacrifice that was made for me and him. It was a lamb head on a baby’s body hanging on a cross. I thank God that I didn’t respond with my choice of words, then I wondered if he was even allowed to wear the shirt at work.
I’ve noticed one of two things this week. Either I see a lot of poeple as caustic {wrongfully}, or they really are. Maybe I’m just waiting to get burned again. I’ve noticed it in myself, also. Sarcasm is my defense, instead of finding out what people really mean by what they say. Luckily, at least at work, we’re on light duty, so I’ll be able to experiment with some theories. The ambivalence of needing to be wanted and hating the need comes out a lot, especially around Jeremy. He’s been my biggest soundboard.
I remember him asking how I was one day and I came back with, ” Are you asking cuz you care, or do you just want me to think you do?” No matter how he tried to reassure me, I couldn’t believe he actually cared. Now I seek him out to tell him stuff. Yay! Let the workplace gossipers run with that. I wonder if Ken sees his own walls that he’s placed himself behind, or if I should bring it up. It always seems that when I get used to just being friends, he tries to change it so that I feel attached, and he has someone to run back to. It looks so harsh a judgment when it’s typed out, but I don’t know how else to express it. I better leave it for now, until we can talk it out. Thanks for reading and supporting me with your prayers.
Filed under: Uncategorized
My roommates are adopting from China, again. So, all this week, I’ve been trying to do my part. Medical records-no PCP, hmmm. CBI Records-wife roommate did ‘em. Child abuse Profile-she did those, too. So, I didn’t get my part done, and they must wait on me. My question is “What’s the difference between 6 months and 6 1/2 months- I’m giving myself grace on getting a physical. It costs money, which they offered to pay, but that’s not the point. I just feel rushed, and I prefer not to. I can understand the excitement of getting their son home, I really can.
My problem was that I was asked on Monday to be here to meet the social worker today, and my signature was forged for the sake of speeding up the process. Does the end justify the means? I’m just venting here, so I put my week on hold, and I feel all turned around. No Therapist, No Acupuncture, No Chiropractor, and strange things happening. I’m just not sure why, but I feel major significance, like I should not forget. Maybe God showing me that I don’t need all this stuff, and not to let anyone try to control my life. I have important things to do, also.
I know I seem to be the “selfish single” here, but I’m thinking it’s a little pushiness, too. I have a few friends that have kids, and it seems that sometimes they think they’re more important because they have kids. Everything has to be done right away, immediately. Hush, hush, rush, rush. Sorry, don’t have time to care about you…at all…Oh, could you sign this…Thanks, see ya later. What’s even worse is when Marrieds try to multi-task with you and their spouse; if I was their mate, I’d be pretty pissed if they tried to mix my personal time with them with a chat session.
Ok, I never noticed that thought before. I would rather someone tell me that it’s “their” time together than to experience the discomfort of that again. I think many people just can’t say ” no” gracefully, where they don’t feel guilty. My roommate and I have had this discussion, along with the “no gossip” discussion, yet I wonder if she just can’t control herself sometimes. The people I work with know I don’t listen to gossip, and they walk away from me, snarling, that they let me have control over them. I’m sorry, it’s their own fault. You don’t like it? Tell me that I have no control over you. Free country, right?
I realized, after a guy I work with apologized needlessly for his language, that I have no right to tell them what they can do. I told him that I thought I would rather he stood up for himself and let me be offended. Suddenly, I must have grown a second head. He couldn’t wrap his mind around the concept that I would walk away if it was too much for me. I really am not bothered so much by the language as the gossip, because it’s a weakness I am always on the verge of falling back into.
Anyway, I’ll wrap up here for now. I have laundry to do.
Filed under: Angela's Journal
It’s amazing to me that the wierdest things make me stop and think about my life and how it’s going. Yesterday I threw a cup of coffee on someone. Yes, it was hot. The reasoning behind it was not really important, and I won’t make excuses. There is no reason good enough for doing something like that.
Since I’ve started counseling, I’ve been back and forth on whether I should even bother with it, which is obviously the enemy trying to hinder my progress. I definitely should continue, if for no other reason, to get better self-control. I’ve never considered that I have major anger issues until yesterday. in l;ooking back on my life, I see why my mom has always been worried about me, yet doesn’t know why. She always knew why, she just is too afraid to tell me. If I think too much about it, I can see that I’m very capable of unintentionally hurting somebody out of anger or frustration.
I got to the meat and potatoes of my book and broke down last night. How could I be so blind for so long, making excuses to myself and others that my behavior is justified? There is no excuse for it. In many ways, I’m still ten years old, throwing temper tantrums and putting up walls that no one else sees but me. It seems like people don’t even care any more about each other. If someone had done to me what I did, I would like to think that after I cooled off i would be able to ask them what was really going on, why they were so upset. I want to be that person, the one that people come to if they’re going thru hard times. Not for them to confide in me, but just to say,”I’m here and I care”.
On the same token, I want the same for myself. I know my friends care about me, but I’m not really sure if they would be there if I had a really bad day. If they would judge me or tell me what I should do. God knows I’m trying and today I had a breakthrough. I went looking for the guy I threw coffee on, on the verge of tears over what I did. I apologized and he did the most profound, unexpected thing. He said, “Do you need a hug?” I’m all about the hugs, so of course, I obliged. As we were hugging, He asked me if I was okay and I started sniffling. The sweet release of being forgiven.
After assuring him that I was crying happy tears, we went to our briefings. It made me think about all the things I’ve done that God has already forgiven. It makes me appreciate His sacrifice even more. Most of all, it reminds me that i can never allow myslef to go back to being bitter about life. I didn’t realize how bad I was, I was totally clueless. This is the path to healing. God is good, and it’s gonna be a long road.
I want so badly to tell my therapist of this, but she’s out of town on a mission trip. God has been so gracious to me, and I have been so ungrateful. Now I have to remember what I’ve been given. it can never be bought, nor can it be taken away. Now I have to fight the right way. I know there will be more tears and heartache, but they will strengthen me. I know I will fall, but I also have a support system to help me get back up. Life seems worth living again.
Some of this stuff seems so obvious now, yet I have new eyes to appreciate it. Did I mention God is good? I’ll close with the Beatitudes, which we’re studying in church. The attitudes we need to cultivate. I have to add that my pastor taght us that meekness is strength under control. I have been pondering this for three weeks, and I think I might be getting a grasp on it. God bless.
Matthew 5:3-10
3“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
9Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
10Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Filed under: Angela's Journal
So, began therapy Tuesday, got a book from the therapist, The Family Crucible. Nothing really heart-shattering happened with either.
Wednesday, took the day off to work on, by far, my unruliest horse, which I’m not quite sure why I continue to work with. I love her owners; that’s gonna be my excuse. So, I did that, found a nail in her frog, and realized I was really tired. Then I noticed this horrible cough I had. I was sure it was from the tea my acupuncturist gave me to clear out my lungs, so I went on a short hike, got totally winded, and went home. 2 hours of community service, home again, bed. Woke up about every hour from coughing so hard.
Thursday, Woke up right before the alarm, still coughing, but feeling able to conquer the world. Get to work and, only when my nose starts running, do I realize I’ve gotten the flu. I don’t mind the cough, but I work with food, and it’s just wrong to expose others to this junk, especially with food. So my boss won’t let me go home, evn though I’ve rubbed my lip raw in trying to contain the flood, He asks, ” Are you really that bad off? I have too many people going home, already.” This was a total lie, and the sad part is he says this to all that aren’t his favored few. Sadder still, He’s also a Christian. Anyway, I was right at the point where it was too funny to fight him, so I just went back to work. I was too tired. About ten minutes later, he let me go. Acupuncture and Chiropractor, teas and formulas, and pills. Lots of rest.
Friday was a total wash. I stayed in bed til noon, and went back and forth after that, from bed to bathroom, watched a movie. I did learn how much I can drink without having to get up and go, and I also learned that you have to stretch once in a while. 16 hours of bedrest does wonders.
Saturday, Here I come to clean the day! Bathroom, laundry separated, dishes done, vaccuumed. Hey, no runny nose. WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!
Today, catch up on e-mail, and blog. Clean office. Read more.
Filed under: Letters to God
When everything falls down, including me, You’re still the One who’s in control. This week, You’ve shown me the beauty of Your love in that, when I use self-control, and refuse to doubt, You will carry me thru. I’m not sure how many of these experiences I can handle, but You showed me not to trust in myself for what You’re doing in my life. It’s all You.
I’ve followed thru on where You’re leading, and have been blessed with Your comfort, even though it was hard. The support system that You’ve given me is awesome. John & Cara, Dave & Scarlet, and myself, Denver. March 17th.
I was talking to Joel today about how most American Christians don’t revere You like they should but, instead see You as a cosmic vending machine. You are THE Most High Holy God, not a genie in a bottle. You cannot be contained, watered down, made common by our simple minds. You are indescribable. Your love is limited only by our acceptance of it.
I ask for clarity on the call, further support thru following thru {did I say I was having a tough time?}, and discernment on what to follow up on. I pray for Your protection over the RevChurch camp, and open eyes and hearts for what You’ve called them to do. I ask for Your protection over my friends, that they would know that they can count on me. I pray for healing in the House clan, strength in ClubLozano, and ZerbaDerba; it’s been a long road there, also.
As always, I pray that You’re healing encompass me to do what You have called me to do, and the perseverance to get thru the slumps, even when I have no energy. I don’t know how Bruce is doing, but I ask that You continue to provide healing in his life and a good leader to show him how to live out his faith. That being said, I ask also that a Christian couple would step up to mentor Bob and Bev, and they would accept what You call them to say. I ask that You use me and I would be totally open to Your will. {You know I have a stubborn streak, too}
Thank You for the little things, like being able to see and hear, that are so major. Every sunrise that I see thru Mitch’s windows reminds me that I don’t have it so bad. When somebody I work with actually stops and listens after “How are you?” to hear the response. God, mostly I praise You because, even though it’s been rough, You are here. You did not create and desert us. You didn’t leave me to my own devices to slowly destroy myself. Even though I may not be the most loved person, I know what’s right and it’s You who gives me strength to do it. You have the best in mind for me, even when I don’t want it. Sometimes I don’t want to be nice, but I choose to because You love me. Sometimes, I don’t want to share, but I do it to show Your love. Thank You for You. Thank You for the Cross, for sending your only Son into my life.
Well, where do I begin? Actually, where did I end? My week has been fine, yet now that the weekend is here, it’s sure to get better. I’ve committed to heavy prayer for it, as I sense You leading me in a direction I don’t want to go in. All the work I’ve done on my own will be rendered useless, and I may lose my mom’s love to boot. How do you tell your own mother that she had a huge part to play in a healing ministry that you may or may not work in, when she doesn’t believe anything ever happened.
I was molested as a child, by her boyfriend. A major thing for any kid to go thru, but add to it having to live in the same house with this person until you’re old enough to leave, biding your time, hoping it never happens again; not to you, not to your sisters. I’m not one for sharing this stuff, but I feel I have to. Everyone thinks they live in a good world, with good people, but ya need to wake up sometime.
There are people in the world who will use you, abuse you, and turn around and blame you, saying you brought it on yourself. Your family has many opportunities, and sometimes, they do it. I love my mom, and I have forgiven her and her boyfriend; it’s an almost-daily process. I don’t want to be involved in a ministry that deals with this everyday. Yes, I’m whining. I pray that I’m getting it wrong. I’ll be a chiropractor; I’ll be a farrier, God, I really don’t want to do this. I want to be on the good side, where everyone else is.
So many times, I’ve gone along willingly; I just don’t feel prepared to have my heart totally broken, but this is what you ask. Could it be that I just haven’t fully dealt with this, and You’re telling me to, or do You really want me to counsel these? I’m having such a hard time with this.
Now, the journal part:
I’ve always felt out of place, with the “normal” crowd; like I don’t belong. I’m sure I’d be appreciated in this ministry, it’s just my stupid pride. I don’t want people I have to look at everyday to know. I know it wasn’t my fault, and I don’t need their pitiful glances. I just want to be seen for me, not what I’ve been thru or a part of. Just me. Take it or leave it. All or nothing. Of course, that hardly is how even my friends see me.
I put my plans aside this weekend, Lord, and I seek Your will.
So, for over a week, I’ve toggled around the thought of never going back to church again. After speaking with a few people and suggestions coming from the most unexpected ones, I decided I would continue attending. Then the migraine hit. Being at work, where the sun blazes in any given window, I felt closest to You. Even as the attacks kept coming, I decided to trust in what i could not see. My decision was made. Though I was in extreme agony, I continued praying. The more I prayed, the worse the pain.
What’s the plan? That’s all I have to say. There’s no way that could have been anything less than a spiritual attack. I say this not to build me up, but to say that I’ll follow, and next time, I hope I say it sooner.
Filed under: ministryupdate
When it was found out that I was leaving the church, many tried to convince me that it was not a wise decision. I realize I need a home church, that I need connection with others, but it can’t really be this boring. What happened to “God wants to lead you on an adventure.” I’m beginning to think that maybe a structured church is not the way to go, but we are , quite literally, the church.
For example, if I know someone in need and God doesn’t need my money, should it go to the person in need, or to a building that is not essential to the glory of God? I understand the need for fellowship, but who actually speaks to people at church, except when they’re there. I went to The Refuse last night, and I love John and Cara, but could I not get the same thing from my Bible at home? Actually, I probably couldn’t, so I’ll digress, for now.
I guess the real question, since Castle West, is “Where should I, if I should, give my money?” I know everyone says tithing is outdated, but I believe it’s an act of faith. On the other side of the coin, I believe that should be between you and God. I hate limbo, but I keep praying about it. I keep praying for a miraculous encounter with God to take place, where He tells me what to do. I know I could get out of debt much faster without tithing, but I can’t live a life of indifference to others’ needs. With churches today, do they recieve money from the government? How do they run successfully when nobody attends? If you’re reading this and have any insight, feel free to comment. Please be patient with a reply, though. This isn’t a spark for debate, but a true question as to what I should financially contribute and to whom.
Filed under: Plans
When not home, do something productive. Hanging with friends is productivity. Balance work and play.
Money is not the objective, but good management is helpful.
Keep building-God, family, friends, outreach.
Stay in my hole when home.
Grow to new heights.
Praise God first.
Love.
Pray.
God, thank You for blessing me so.
