My plans have been put on hold, as my car is not cooperating. I’m so ready to go, even though no one has looked at the apartment, my car is a hole in the bucket, and my nieces are put to bed crying about every other night. I give up control of my life.
My heart breaks every time I see them. I have no answers for the girls I helped to raise, and telling them to go to Jesus and ask Him for help in dealing with it seems trite. It’s hard not to cry when they mention their mom, as I very much still miss her, too. I would be lieing if I said my heart is 100% in the move, and it’s mostly due to them. It’s an awesome training opportunity, and I would be stupid not to try for it. I miss the rest of my family, too. I miss the “down home”.
I don’t miss the traffic or humidity, but the activities and the ability to breathe are nice. Guess that’s it for now.
Filed under: Plans
Stow or sell stuff.-06/30
Get boxes and pack.-07/15
Leave. Undetermined 08/15-12/10
I read part of Love and Respect by Eggerichs. I tried the Respect test on a few guy friends, and it works!!! Not only that, but I’ve determined it is very hard to avoid disrespecting anyone, but harder with boys wanting to be treated like men; even worse is if they disrespect you afterwards.
So, I’ve determined to Try to respect my guy friends more, and one of them seems to hate me more for it. Interestingly, none of them know that they were tested. We used to get along, but I think he’s upset that everyone thinks we’re a couple, when we just get along very well, when we do. I have to work today, I’m broke, and I don’t get paid until Wednesday. Need to talk to the pastor about the gift cards. I might go back into counseling, and I don’t get to spoend time that I want to with my family. That’s life, for the moment.
Numbers 6:24-26
24 ” ‘ “The LORD bless you
and keep you;
25 the LORD make his face shine upon you
and be gracious to you;
26 the LORD turn his face toward you
and give you peace.”
Well, where do I begin? Actually, where did I end? My week has been fine, yet now that the weekend is here, it’s sure to get better. I’ve committed to heavy prayer for it, as I sense You leading me in a direction I don’t want to go in. All the work I’ve done on my own will be rendered useless, and I may lose my mom’s love to boot. How do you tell your own mother that she had a huge part to play in a healing ministry that you may or may not work in, when she doesn’t believe anything ever happened.
I was molested as a child, by her boyfriend. A major thing for any kid to go thru, but add to it having to live in the same house with this person until you’re old enough to leave, biding your time, hoping it never happens again; not to you, not to your sisters. I’m not one for sharing this stuff, but I feel I have to. Everyone thinks they live in a good world, with good people, but ya need to wake up sometime.
There are people in the world who will use you, abuse you, and turn around and blame you, saying you brought it on yourself. Your family has many opportunities, and sometimes, they do it. I love my mom, and I have forgiven her and her boyfriend; it’s an almost-daily process. I don’t want to be involved in a ministry that deals with this everyday. Yes, I’m whining. I pray that I’m getting it wrong. I’ll be a chiropractor; I’ll be a farrier, God, I really don’t want to do this. I want to be on the good side, where everyone else is.
So many times, I’ve gone along willingly; I just don’t feel prepared to have my heart totally broken, but this is what you ask. Could it be that I just haven’t fully dealt with this, and You’re telling me to, or do You really want me to counsel these? I’m having such a hard time with this.
Now, the journal part:
I’ve always felt out of place, with the “normal” crowd; like I don’t belong. I’m sure I’d be appreciated in this ministry, it’s just my stupid pride. I don’t want people I have to look at everyday to know. I know it wasn’t my fault, and I don’t need their pitiful glances. I just want to be seen for me, not what I’ve been thru or a part of. Just me. Take it or leave it. All or nothing. Of course, that hardly is how even my friends see me.
I put my plans aside this weekend, Lord, and I seek Your will.
Filed under: Plans
When not home, do something productive. Hanging with friends is productivity. Balance work and play.
Money is not the objective, but good management is helpful.
Keep building-God, family, friends, outreach.
Stay in my hole when home.
Grow to new heights.
Praise God first.
Love.
Pray.
God, thank You for blessing me so.
Begin January 2007
1.1 year at the Academy, savings $50/mo. Stay at Houses. Advertise Farrier Services with Jennifer’s help.
2.Jan 2008-9 months as Chiropractor Assistant;interchangeable with Number 1, Keep savings going. Farrier on weekends.
3. October 2008-Apply at Life University.
4.January 2009-Move in with Dad until I find an apartment in Marrietta. Work at Aunt Becky’s on weekends.
5.Graduate, find chiropractors for family, move back to Colorado.
