That I could be so self-centered as not to see the attacks coming on. I have not attended church for two weeks, and have paid dearly for it. I just found out that our whole kids team is leaving, minus me, to find another church. Is it a blessing or a cursing? Is this what I have been asking for? These are questions that I ask God constantly. If I had stayed faithful, I'm sure I would've hada clearer picture of what to do.
Not only this, but we have been attacked on all fronts.
At work, I was quite shocked when someone told me in less polite words, to can it. At home, I had to steady my thoughts so as not to hit my nieces, more than once. I started smoking again, and have again regained my senses, and quit. Our relationships were strained because of issues being ignored, and I honestly thought myself hopeless for awhile; somehow beyond God's reach, desperate to know Him, but thinking, many times, "For what, to be attacked again, and again? To have to fight, tooth and nail, for any resemblance of victory? To lose? But, hold it, I know better than this. I know God favors me like I know that I need air to breathe" Yeah, that's right;that's true and good.
And now I see. As I lift up my prayers, once again, to the only one who is in control, I am reminded that submission is not giving up, but trustin Him to do what's best, according to His will.
Of all the people asking this question, would you expect me to? Actually, it's just a point of reference. After reading Bruce's journal, I realize it's because a lack of feeding my relationship with God. I need balance. Of course, this would be the perfect time to attempt it, as I don't have a lot of things going on.
As you are taught about stewardship and learning what to do to wisely use the resources entrusted to you, you learn how wasteful the general population is; especially me. The funny thing is the other side of the coin: the hard part is not judging others on how they use theirs.
And it's not just about wisdom; discernment is te learning of what to do with that wisdom. I would more quickly and accurately teach a believer about accountability, than a non-believer. Anyway, not the point I was going for.
As I notice things around me: the little bit of growth I have, the little bit that I've slid back, the way kids love, and how much adults hold back, I realize that maybe it's just me this time. The lack of spending uninterrupted time with God, a sort of resentment of believing in Him. I guess that makes me realize the growth even more. The things I would have done, had I not believed , the people I would have hurt indiscriminately.
Company-wide, a position has been cut, leaving options for the man I work directly under. This week he went on a LOA, so I haven't had a chance to talk to him about his plans. Because he's been gone, I've had the not so great opportunity to hear what the guys think of him. They all know where I stand on sexual issues, and they know I don't really want to hear about his exploitations, especially when it involves people we work with. Anyway, rumors range from him transferring to my old store ,to quitting, to just being demoted.
On the homefront, things just keep going back and forth. Mark said something about trying not to have a conversation because of selfishness, which I don't understand, because he's always been open with me. Martha, well, I haven't seen much of her lately, but I think she might be sick. The kids and I had dinner together last night, but nothing real exciting came from that.
I guess that's about it. My prayers that each of you makes every day a step closer to God. May He bless and keep you always.
Friday was our last day of remodeling, better known as the Grand Reopening. Yay! After parting ways with the crew and collecting what seemed to be 100 contacts, even though it was only 5, I left the store.I also got all my new job info. I get three day weekends, I just am not definite on which three days, yet.
So, yeah, these days will be a new experience, hopefully as exciting as the last 90 days, without the drama. Looking back, I realize I brought most of it on myself. Martha keeps asking me when my schedule starts, though I don’t know why. I have a feeling that she wants me to watch the kids more. Hmmmm. My plan was actually to stay away from home just the same. And then, there’s the Utah plan. Anyway, we’ll see how everything pans out.
Pizza party at Rev today. Everyone likes the new do;sometimes, even I like it. We are growing faster and more godly every week, and I find myself more outgoing each time. We’re mostly getting the small kids, though.
So, that’s it. La, la, la.
Weekly Recap:
Sunday-Church was awesome. Had a whole new experience of God and His great mercies. I was excited to see so many people at church, especially new folk. We had quite a few kids and all were very attentive. Work was, well, work.
Mundayne-was anything but. I gave one of the guys a ride home, so we could go for a friendly little horse-ride. The plan was to ride for about an hour, go home, get some sleep, go back to work. Try a ten second ride. I couldn’t get my shoe off at first, my ankle was so swollen;it took about half an hour of ice to get there. The guy who owned the horse was probably more traumatized than me; I made it home by 2, took a shower and a nap, and when I woke up, Martha was home. I had to crawl to the stairs, and yell up at her, to which she freaked out because I was yelling and crying. I cannot even begin to imagine what a broken bone could feel like. Thank God for her. She went to ARC and found some crutches for me, while i called friends to see if they happened to have any.
So, got the crutches and called for a ride to work. Of all people, Greg. While I have no right to judge anyone, and he did pick me up for work, I was already spending too much time with him. This came to a head by the end of the week. So, while I’m incapable of walking, he’s the nicest guy ever. By the end of the night, I was walking, albeit notwell. He drops William off, then me.End of day.
Tues-While I was walking, I was still not able to drive. And now sore from the crutches. At least I got a workout. Asked Greg to pick me up again.Picked William up.Work. Home
Wed- I’m driving again.Get to work, work for an hour, neither of the boys show up. normal day.Home Lots of Advil.Out very late. Work.
Thurs.-Total turnaround. After I noticed that Greg came in without William, I asked where he was, to which Greg replied, “He didn’t answer the door”. Ok, whatever. Then, William comes in. Long story short, William won’t talk to me even when I talk to him directly, then insults my relationship with God, and Greg, while I’m standing there. To somebody else. Before I got excited about defending myself, I asked Greg if he had talked to him. “No, why?” I didn’t want to start anything between them, so I just said I was curious.
Maybe that’s why he won’t talk to me, either. William continues his rampage like a coward;finally, I asked him what the Bible says about those who put themselves in a place of judge to others. He wasnt very private about his complaints, so I decided to do this publicly. Ghost town. Everyone cleared the aisles, like we were gonna fight or something.
It was really wierd, and I know I got carried away, and I know I let my frustration go too long. And then, the realization: he was right. He wouldn’t talk to me, and I couldn’t talk to Greg, and these are just excuses. Long day. I left at 7. Others stayed til noon.
Friday-supposed to be a day off, but we worked. Cold shoulder from Greg until Mike made us work together. I ask what’s wrong. Me? I’m fine. Cold shoulder from William. Mike, the boss, sings some old romance song, while doing a striptease;can you die from embarrassment? Overheard the wrong conversation between Greg and another co-worker about me and an act that will never happen. For some reason, I still asked him if he’ll work on my car. Mke took us to breakfast, I got my taxes done.Came home and watched Battlestar.
The rest of Saturday I worked on my relationship with God and licked my wounds.
Today, taught 5 kids, and helped with setup. went shopping and visited with Eriin’s nurse at the LNJ.
I’m still getting over some things that were said in the past week, and surpisingly, some of it said by Traci. Not that we’re the best of friends, but I expected more from her.
Anyway, this is my failing sense of self-reliance. Time for God to take over. The lesson fr the week;funny you should ask. Unconditional love to those who harm you in various ways, real or imagined. I am a victor in Christ.
Oh, the tragedy! This one involves everything. I have learned a few things since last post.
1. Don’t trust someone to change for you, no matter how “right” you are or how wrong you think they are. Bottom line is, they don’t have to follow your requests. Accept the fact that sometimes, you just don’t get your way. That doesn’t mean to join them in their filth.
2. Not everyone shares your beliefs. In fact, I am the odd man out. I have been spending my breaks with the same person for a couple of weeks, and all of a sudden, we’re apparently seeing each other. Everyone else says it’s a good match, and wonders why I don’t pursue it. I cannot get “involved” with someone who doesn’t share my moral values, but they can’t understand that.
3. Patience is a virtue. Same guy offers to check my car out, yet never returns my calls. He’s also been acting different since people suggested that we look “cute” together. And then the bombshell. He tells me it’s lunchtime, and he’s going to his car. which he usually does, no problem. He asks if I’m coming, knowing that I do my “quiet time” at lunch. I told him what he already knew, and he goes, “Fine!” I should’ve just left it where it was, but I’m still learning. “God is always first for me” was what I heard myself say. Maybe not very tactful, but it’s the truth.
I had my quiet time with God, and, the message I got was “you know this isn’t right.” Yes, I knew. I should have stayed inside. I shouldn’t spend more time with him than absolutely necessary. I shouldn’t feed the relationship. After all, we’re not on the same page, so to speak. What did I do? I went out to his car and we finished the movie we started at first break. Nothing happened, of course, but next time, there’s not gonna be a possibility, either.
4. Do not be unequally yoked. Basically, don’t spend more time with unbelievers than with believers. No matter what the attraction factor. Don’t feed the wrong relationships.Of course, this is a difficult thing to do because all of my godly friends and I are on different schedules.
Ok, so I repented of all the things I have done, still have a heart, not bitter. Better understanding of what God wants for me. I can wait. Love shouldn’t be forced. Glory to God, who protects me even in stupidity.
Filed under: ministryupdate
Not often does anyone know of me saying this, but I am. I’ve had these leadings that I am no longer not just gonna be moving out of Mark’s house, but possibly out of the country. I only want to put it down to see if anything comes of it.
I was talking to my pastor’s wife a few weeks ago, and upon asking her about our outreach programs, found out we may start missions soon. Of course, we all know what soon and God together mean. Keeping the options open, though.
I’m not so much scared of leaving the country or my stuff, or even selling all my stuff, I just don’t want to be prepared and wait forever. I also don’t want to leave my friends and family, as most of them aren’t great at keeping in touch. Neither am I. My computer is not my world. Yeah, I may soon get rid of it, also. Oy.
Filed under: ministryupdate
A new breakthrough!! While this will take time, I’m working on being the person God wants me to be. I recently realized that I have been slipping further and further into wordliness, when a Christian co-worker was invited to a “pleasures” party and accepted. Before I could say anything, I had to check my attitude. So, being high and mighty as I was, I decided to ask her why she would go to these things. BTW, for those who don’t know, it’s a sex toys party.
Of course, later I was convicted of the Cowboys thing, and what might have happened. Had my boss not been as gentlemanly as he was, or the other guy, or if I decided to go on a binge;let’s just say there won’t be a “next time”
This is where the Berliner guy comes in. He had a sore throat when we went to Cowboys, but said he was fine. Then, he gets a call and says he has to pick up his friend, who lives 10 miles away. Dude never comes back, doesn’t come to work for a few days, and then practically kills me on Friday. Not to mention the awkwardness that seemed to eminate from him all night. Ich liebe es.
After he settled down a bit at work, and realized I wasn’t mad at him, just curious as to his condition, things went better. Meanwhile, bossman calls me shark, in reference to my pool skills, which are obviously non-existent, if Greg was gonna teach me to play. Basically, he set up every shot for me, and he still won. Oy, still fun though, minus the girls.
