Well, where do I begin? Actually, where did I end? My week has been fine, yet now that the weekend is here, it’s sure to get better. I’ve committed to heavy prayer for it, as I sense You leading me in a direction I don’t want to go in. All the work I’ve done on my own will be rendered useless, and I may lose my mom’s love to boot. How do you tell your own mother that she had a huge part to play in a healing ministry that you may or may not work in, when she doesn’t believe anything ever happened.

  I was molested as a child, by her boyfriend. A major thing for any kid to go thru, but add to it having to live in the same house with this person until you’re old enough to leave, biding your time, hoping it never happens again; not to you, not to your sisters. I’m not one for sharing this stuff, but I feel I have to. Everyone thinks they live in a good world, with good people, but ya need to wake up sometime.

 There are people in the world who will use you, abuse you, and turn around and blame you, saying you brought it on yourself. Your family has many opportunities, and sometimes, they do it. I love my mom, and I have forgiven her and her boyfriend; it’s an almost-daily process. I  don’t want to be involved in a ministry that deals with this everyday. Yes, I’m whining. I pray that I’m getting it wrong. I’ll be a chiropractor; I’ll be a farrier, God, I really don’t want to do this.  I want to be on the good side, where everyone else is.

 So many times, I’ve gone along willingly; I just don’t feel prepared to have my heart totally broken, but this is what you ask. Could it be that I just haven’t fully dealt with this, and You’re telling me to, or do You really want me to counsel these? I’m having such a hard time with this.

Now, the journal part:

I’ve always felt out of place, with the “normal” crowd; like I don’t belong. I’m sure I’d be appreciated in this ministry, it’s just my stupid pride. I don’t want people I have to look at everyday to know. I know it wasn’t my fault, and I don’t need their pitiful glances. I just want to be seen for me, not what I’ve been thru or a part of. Just me. Take it or leave it. All or nothing. Of course, that hardly is how even my friends see me.

  I put my plans aside this weekend, Lord, and I seek Your will.

So, for over a week, I’ve toggled around the thought of never going back to church again. After speaking with a few people and suggestions coming from the most unexpected ones, I decided I would continue attending. Then the migraine hit. Being at work, where the sun blazes in any given window, I felt closest to You. Even as the attacks kept coming, I decided to trust in what i could not see. My decision was made. Though I was in extreme agony, I continued praying. The more I prayed, the worse the pain.

What’s the plan? That’s all I have to say. There’s no way that could have been anything less than a spiritual attack. I say this not to build me up, but to say that I’ll follow, and next time, I hope I say it sooner.

When it was found out that I was leaving the church, many tried to convince me that it was not a wise decision. I realize I need a home church, that I need connection with others, but it can’t really be this boring. What happened to “God wants to lead you on an adventure.” I’m beginning to think that maybe a structured church is not the way to go, but we are , quite literally, the church.

 For example, if I know someone in need and God doesn’t need my money, should it go to the person in need, or to a building that is not essential to the glory of God?  I understand the need for fellowship, but who actually speaks to people at church, except when they’re there. I went to The Refuse last night, and I love John and Cara, but could I not get the same thing from my Bible at home? Actually, I probably couldn’t, so I’ll digress, for now.

I guess the real question, since Castle West, is “Where should I, if I should, give my money?” I know everyone says tithing is outdated, but I believe it’s an act of faith. On the other side of the coin, I believe that should be between you and God. I hate limbo, but I keep praying about it. I keep praying for a miraculous encounter with God to take place, where He tells me what to do. I know I could get out of debt much faster without tithing, but I can’t live a life of indifference to others’ needs. With churches today, do they recieve money from the government? How do they run successfully when nobody attends? If you’re reading this and have any insight, feel free to comment. Please be patient with a reply, though. This isn’t a spark for debate, but a true question as to what I should financially contribute and to whom.

I think we finally got the right person as our Children’s Director. She seems so on fire to teach the kids in a fun way about God. We had a meeting last night, all the teachers and the pastor and his wife, and the new Director. And God met us there. As much of a pleasure as I think it will be to work with her, I may have to stop teaching soon. I think I got my calling wrong, but I’m still praying over it. I’m not upset either way it turns out.

A funny little thought just popped into my head: Do people get to a point where, without realizing it, they try to control those around them with kindness? What an odd, yet appropriate, wonderment. Regardless, I must keep moving.

This is an update of the Angela network.

   In ministry news, I am now in charge of follow-up on our Prayer Requests. I will follow that up with times to pray for them. Our church is participating in Neighborhood Connections, and I have 11 homes to visit tomorrow, after breakfast with the Bruce, who I haven’t seen in quite a few months.

  Prayer requests:

  Underlying all these requests is that God’s will be done.

    The health of Cathi and her baby, who is probably a few hours old right now.

   The health of the Martinez clan. The health of the House clan. The health of pretty much everyone at Revelation.

    The replacement of our Children’s Director; should I try to fill the gap or just teach?

   Our Outreach Programs: Neighborhood Connections, Outpost Groups, and possible International Outreach.

   My place in God’s will.

Numbers 6:24The LORD bless you and keep you;
25the LORD make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you;
26the LORD lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.

 Seriously, is it? Can you even call it love? What about unrequited love? Do we tend to love only those who love us, or is it posiible to get past that? If your friend is “interested” in you, do you not return their calls if you don’t feel the same; do you just attempt to leave it alone? Is the friendship stronger than that? Is it worth trying to salvage the friendship without going into that? Honestly, these are my questions.

   While I try not to assume anything in not hearing from the person in question, it’s difficult. Especially when the reply is just to set a date to talk thru it, not a commitment either way. I guess the real questions are can I handle his answer when he gives it, and where do we go from there. As unhappy as it would make most people that know me, I don’t care. Apparently he doesn’t deserve what I give, but they don’t know what I’ve put him thru. Ya know what, scratch that, we’re about even. Well, not anymore, but at least I didn’t ask him in front of his other friends or try to find out from someone else.

   Relationships are hard enough without trying for drama. Now I wonder if I did the right thing in telling him. While others assure me that, “At least you know the answer”, “You won’t wonder later”, and other great quips such as that, what if he decides that our friendship isn’t even worth it. I mean, we just started talking again. So, while i pick up the pieces and wait ’til I know all the damage is done, How are you, world?

   As far as prayer goes, that God shows me purpose beyond myself, that my life be centered around Him, and that I’ll be able to visit my family for Thanksgiving. God bless.

  God, help me to be the friend I need to be. Show me how to give my all for your glory.

   Bless the Boggs in their retirement years. Thank you for their blessings on our nation.

   Thank you for the survival of the Gardners. Let them find the right transportation.

   Thank you for Gretchen, Lord, I really enjoyed her company last week. Help her to be a badge of honor.

   Thank you for the Olivers. Let Lucky and Amanda raise this, their firstborn, in your service.

   Thank you for the techies, Brandon and Laura.

   Thank you, especially, for the House, for being great hosts and leaders.

  Thank you, God, that I am not ashamed to be honest, but delight in Truth and love.

   Thank you, Lord, for Bruce. Please provide more opportunities for us to spend time together and show him what he means to You.

   Thank you for your son, the Ultimate sacrifice, our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

    Thank you for Mark, for everything he is and what he’s trying to be.

  Thank you for the Dunns, what great servant-leaders!

   God, thank you for employment and intermediary cash.

   Thank you for the blessing of Christi and Justin, and the worship team.

   Thank you for the Graham crackers and Delta for providing me food and shelter for two weeks. A kind of working vacation from Camp Lozano. May the transition be seamless.

    God, thank you for all of these peole you have put in my life. Bless theirs as they have blessed mine.

   Reach your hand out to those who don’t know you, strengthen your flock, and let us joyfully serve you.

   When things go wrong, when they don't go as planned, when everything in life is hard to understand. When you can't seem to find the light, when everything's so dark, when the spark is gone and the tunnel black, you can't seem to find your way back. you turn around and see a dim glimmer. It's then that you realize you're standing on tracks and the light, well honey, it's a train. The funny thing is, you're just too tired. Too much running in your own way, not heeding the warnings, taking it as it comes, serving no purpose. So tired, yet not wanting to lose, not wanting to submit to another's plan. What if it doesn't work? What if I am scorned? What if I get lost again? Is this way working? Do I have the strength to continue on this path? I could get off the track…Oh, no the train!! It's passed? Yes, it's passed, and with it the storm. What is this peace that I've never had before? Could it be you, my Lord? Thank you, God for everything you have blessed me with.

   Divine intervention is a wonderful thing. Now, for the hazy days. As far as I remember I got a lot of sun, cuz it hurts. I painted a lot of faces Saturday, and helped start a fence. At church, our whole class seemed totally uncooperative, but we got through it. After that, we put the pickets on the fence, and had Chinese food and some drinks. I found it interesting that when people do something for free, they think workmanship is not important. This saddens me, but I let it go to God.

   Surprisingly, I've given a lot of time to thinking about the future and my friendships. Sometimes, it just means more to hang out than talking on the phone. Sometimes, wasting time is not a waste. Sometimes, scheduling wastes time. All the time God is in control. 

   I have been surrounded more and more by kids, and I came to the realization that if i never get married and never have kids, that the world would not end. It's become like an actual possiblity that maybe I could do better with the kids I have a part in if I'm not distracted. Of course, thisw doesn't make the want any less. I was told on Sunday that in China, it's illegal to adopt your children out, so they just abandon them. I was told of an 8-year old deaf/mute dumped at a train station and I just couldn't hold in the anger and frustration. My son would've been 8 in October, and I don't know why I lost him. I look at my oldst niece, and the emotion becomes overwhelming.

   There's so much I want to say, but I have run out of time. Pray for healing in my life. Pray for my friend Bruce, who is going thru a hard time. Pray for God's blessings in our city, state, country, and world. God strengthen those who serve you to always be faithful in a dark world.

   We had our drive for the Pregnancy Center today. I also got to speak a little more in-depth with one of my fellow warriors;and the world gets smaller and smaller. We spoke of his unwillingness to be out from behind the table, and in between handing out lists, we talked about stereotypes. It seems the past has been forgiven, once again. I have to say I am proud of him for stepping out of his comfort zone, and it was also nice just to chat with him, as we didn't get started off on the right foot. More interesting things happened than I counted on.

   For example, I bought some earrings not too long ago, the chinese symbol for love. How odd that someone at church would have a tattoo of it on his arm. I get to be a face painter for the Walk for Life this year, also. The pregnancy Center has openings for volunteers as well as for paid work.

   Mark and Ken cleaned out our garage,for which I am so proud of Mark for getting past the laziness thing. As for Ken, well, he's still Ken. It seems he's still concerned with my opinion of him, for whatever reason. Their are few things sadder to me than a fear of others' opinions of you, especially in guy-girl relationships. Even if the guy is not really interested, for the most part, he's literally afraid of what the girl thinks of him. This leads me to believe that most  "serious" relationships are sadly built on familiarity and not too much on love. "He was there, and I was there, so…" Ooh, sounds like fun all around.

  Not that I have a lot of room to talk. Miss "Been on one date since moving out here", and coming out of a long-term brain fart, oh, I mean, relationship. And the fact that the people I live with are the least familiar with me, and also afraid of what I think of them. Ugh. It can't just be me. Seriously, what makes me so scary? Because I don't keep my thoughts secret , ro take a poll? Have mercy.

   Anyway, blessings are coming at breakneck speeds, including the numerous donations today, meeting new people, getting to know others better, seeing God at work in my life, and His work in others' lives as well. That's it for now.

Praise God that he has comforted me thru these last few weeks, when I felt there was no hope. The week that our entire Children's ministry team left, minus me, we got a new Leader. Awesome blessing already. She's a former teacher and just an xciting person to work with. Not that I don't miss the Hopkins clan.

   Pray for open communication between us to keep a strong ministry going, and the Hopkins to find what they need.

At home, Something has changed in Mark and in Martha. It seems Mark is in better spirits, and this makes me oh-so-joyful. Doesn't change the fact that I'm moving out. Martha just seems more distant and anti-social. Didn't even get to tell her Happy Mothers Day.

   Pray for communication to be more open in this house between everyone, even after I leave.

Job front.I'm trying not to  get too excited, but I got a tentative job offer from the Academy, which pays more, but also gives me more hours. Also, deciding whether or not to stay at Wal-Mart;If so, for how long.

   Pray for God's wisdom in knowing what's led by greed and what I should do just to get the bills caught up.

Friendships. Obviously, trying to work them in. Funny thing is that I seem to manage better when I'm busier.We'll see this time around.

   Pray for me to do my part in them, and that the other sides participate.

May God protect and keep you always.