Filed under: Girly
Apparently, I have a gift of writing only under severe mental duress, but I’m happy with this one. It wasn’t supposed to be a poem, but a prayer, cuz I’m tired of being without, yet not willing to settle. I was stressed b/c the man involved was pretty much perfect for me at the time, but we had different views on how the kids would be raised. No point on continuing knowing what I knew. My roommate, who is one of the most wonderful people I know, after meeting him, said I should write a list of what I want in a man, and I’ll see that he isn’t it. She said it in love, and she’s right. Still, it took a week to seal the deal. If you are this guy, I hope there are no hard feelings.
So, here’s one for my “girly” section.
I pray for a husband, God, who has a heart like yours
A man who, on me, his heart would outpour
He has a heart for You, a heart for me, a heart that cares for all
A man who accepts responsibility, who rises to the Call
Someone who shares my passions, who loves to be outside
He loves to touch me and, for no reason, go for long rides
He wants to make my dreams come true and wants me to be a part of his
God, I pray it’s in Your will for me; it is my heart’s great wish to
find the man who shares my fantasies
The one who serves you, Lord, and secondly is me
He knows when to hold me, and when I need my space
He knows exactly what I need , just looking at my face
He knows because we talk openly about our feelings and thoughts
I will continue to serve You, whether he comes or not
I give You my all today and accept Your will for me
I accept the things that are hard to see when You’ve convicted me
I pray You keep me in Your ways and lead my simple life
I pray that one day You’ll allow me to be a good wife
I ask for what You want for me, and that You make it clear
Cuz Lord I know that You know best
And You are always near
I read part of Love and Respect by Eggerichs. I tried the Respect test on a few guy friends, and it works!!! Not only that, but I’ve determined it is very hard to avoid disrespecting anyone, but harder with boys wanting to be treated like men; even worse is if they disrespect you afterwards.
So, I’ve determined to Try to respect my guy friends more, and one of them seems to hate me more for it. Interestingly, none of them know that they were tested. We used to get along, but I think he’s upset that everyone thinks we’re a couple, when we just get along very well, when we do. I have to work today, I’m broke, and I don’t get paid until Wednesday. Need to talk to the pastor about the gift cards. I might go back into counseling, and I don’t get to spoend time that I want to with my family. That’s life, for the moment.
Numbers 6:24-26
24 ” ‘ “The LORD bless you
and keep you;
25 the LORD make his face shine upon you
and be gracious to you;
26 the LORD turn his face toward you
and give you peace.”
Seriously, is it? Can you even call it love? What about unrequited love? Do we tend to love only those who love us, or is it posiible to get past that? If your friend is “interested” in you, do you not return their calls if you don’t feel the same; do you just attempt to leave it alone? Is the friendship stronger than that? Is it worth trying to salvage the friendship without going into that? Honestly, these are my questions.
While I try not to assume anything in not hearing from the person in question, it’s difficult. Especially when the reply is just to set a date to talk thru it, not a commitment either way. I guess the real questions are can I handle his answer when he gives it, and where do we go from there. As unhappy as it would make most people that know me, I don’t care. Apparently he doesn’t deserve what I give, but they don’t know what I’ve put him thru. Ya know what, scratch that, we’re about even. Well, not anymore, but at least I didn’t ask him in front of his other friends or try to find out from someone else.
Relationships are hard enough without trying for drama. Now I wonder if I did the right thing in telling him. While others assure me that, “At least you know the answer”, “You won’t wonder later”, and other great quips such as that, what if he decides that our friendship isn’t even worth it. I mean, we just started talking again. So, while i pick up the pieces and wait ’til I know all the damage is done, How are you, world?
As far as prayer goes, that God shows me purpose beyond myself, that my life be centered around Him, and that I’ll be able to visit my family for Thanksgiving. God bless.
After what seems a very long absence, Angela returns. Not any wiser as to the ways of the world, but more peacefully than before. I had some time of remembering Erin, and I found myself eager, in a sense, to forget her. I can’t describe the pain and despair that I have felt for that week.
Not even my closest friends were privy to it, until it was over. It hit me at work, it hit me at home, it hit me in the car; everywhere I went, she was there, yet I knew she wasn’t. I will never see my sister again, unless she accepted Christ before she died.
The clincher is that both my nieces, though uniquely their own little people, remind me so much of her and our visiting times are put to rest. I don’t resent them, I never could, but, man, do I ever miss her.
My roommates are going thru struggles different than my own, and it’s frightfully hard to live with a married couple that have a very strong relationship, and still see struggles. Yet, hope fills me.
i just made amends with a longtime friend, and now don’t really know why.Actually, now I remember. My relationship with God was suffering because I held so much against them. We talked things over, as you do, and I believe we’re both the better for it. My new small group has deemed me in charge of service projects, yet that has been unfruitful. I love the people in my group, and in my church, but something is missing terribly.
As for Mark and Martha, we still keep things light, and they also had no clue of what i was thinking the last time I saw them and the girls.
While I do feeel a little better after taking my thyroid medication, I wonder how long that will last. I am seriously considering acupuncture as treatment, but I’m not sure where to begin with that.
Work has become harder than I expected, especially since I had a week of not wanting to talk to anybody about anything, yet wanting to scream to everybody, “My sister’s dead. You can’t do anything to help me, so don’t even try!”
I wonder if this has something to do with pretty much all of my friends becoming more of acquaintances as of late, and my failure to get out of the”woe is me” fog. Yeah, right, I know it has. That and money. Hey, any excuse will do at this point, but no this is more a call to myself for action and to start the wheeels turning again.
So, I’m off, I’ve got friends to pester, after a few deep breaths.
God, help me to be the friend I need to be. Show me how to give my all for your glory.
Bless the Boggs in their retirement years. Thank you for their blessings on our nation.
Thank you for the survival of the Gardners. Let them find the right transportation.
Thank you for Gretchen, Lord, I really enjoyed her company last week. Help her to be a badge of honor.
Thank you for the Olivers. Let Lucky and Amanda raise this, their firstborn, in your service.
Thank you for the techies, Brandon and Laura.
Thank you, especially, for the House, for being great hosts and leaders.
Thank you, God, that I am not ashamed to be honest, but delight in Truth and love.
Thank you, Lord, for Bruce. Please provide more opportunities for us to spend time together and show him what he means to You.
Thank you for your son, the Ultimate sacrifice, our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
Thank you for Mark, for everything he is and what he’s trying to be.
Thank you for the Dunns, what great servant-leaders!
God, thank you for employment and intermediary cash.
Thank you for the blessing of Christi and Justin, and the worship team.
Thank you for the Graham crackers and Delta for providing me food and shelter for two weeks. A kind of working vacation from Camp Lozano. May the transition be seamless.
God, thank you for all of these peole you have put in my life. Bless theirs as they have blessed mine.
Reach your hand out to those who don’t know you, strengthen your flock, and let us joyfully serve you.
Filed under: Love
After the hula hoops, breakfast, and the park, we come back home.
As the days get shorter and shorter, I don't feel any more motivated to clean. Though I do feel much better since starting chiropractic care, I still need more energy to be productive. How important is housework? The bathroom's clean.Sortof. I remember trying to get things together to please Martha, then not doing it to spite her, and now since it makes no difference, I seem to get more done. The trick is doing it in your own time.
With Body Worlds coming up, I may just use it as an incentive to get my room clean. God's hand is so heavy in my life. I'll be working at a day labor place afew days a next week, to help me get up early for the academy. Who knew 4 am came so early? Starting to remember working overnights.AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
As I see it, I may be moving out by mid-month. SWEET! A birthday/Housewarming party.Yeah. Maybe not.I don't wanna clean. Guess I'l get started here soon.
On the whole guy/girl front, oy. Why is it that coupled people cannot fathom being apart from the other half? And, in that, why in the world do they think I would want that restriction. I think about everyone, not just obsess about one person. It's one thing to love someone, and I understand that, but isn't it just weird to say you couldn't live without them? How did you live before them?
I would love to have a relationship that's so free that you just don't have that insanity of "Where you at?" syndrome. I would think if it's grounded enoough, you would pretty much be told what's on the agenda for the week and when you get to see each other. Ok, I think I'm ranted out. All this over being set up. Maybe I'm just upset that I dug my own grave. God bless.
Filed under: Love
Do I really have to say it ALL the time? I was so blown away this week about how, hmm, let's say distant I have been to everyone. I'm not much for excuses, so I'll just clear my head.
First, my nieces. As much as they probably keep me from doing stuff I need to do, I don't spend much quality time with them. Most people see fit to tell me tha they're not my kids, so I shouldn't worry about it. Total crap!! Luckily, I don't see them much anymore. I had the chance to take them somewhere and play escort. Literally. They're all about the fairy tales, so my car is now a princess chariot.
My sisters, well I missed the biggest bash of the season, apparently. Missed is an operative word. Some kind of festival in Montgomery. Really though, I miss my family. I finally talked to my mom and dad,, who are equally happy to know that I'm not gonna live in a shelter. My oldest sister and I just, well we're different. My youngest sister is who I would be, had things gone differently growing up. I'm glad to see her happy.
One thing that seems to run in our family is for the women to depend on the men for everything, having no identity of their own, and blindly agreeing with them on everything. I believe in love. I'm not so calloused as to think that it's impossible to agree on stuff. But on everything? Right.
On another note, Mark asked me to watch a movie with him, which is monumental, as he never invites anyone female to do anything. He actually said the words "spend some time together" which totally weirded me out. Sometimes, it seems we are related. It's nice that we can be so close, and have no issues about the past. And yet, no chemistry. He's an awesome guy, and I'm glad there's nothing there, cuz, yeah, no. nuff said.
I was asked what's wrong with my friends that, for the most part, they're guys and I haven't been on what I would call a date since moving here. What an odd thing to ask someone. There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of my friends. Just, I guess that maybe there's not enough to hold a stronger relationship together. The last guy I was involved with was mybest friend at that time. We were friends for awhile before we actually went there, stayed together 4years, and that's it. There was really no substance to the relationship. I'm a James Lipton, and as far as I know, he's a Barbara Walters. It has nothing to do with male or female, just personality.
And what's wrong with rushing it? If it ends, it ends. Just sooner rather than later.What does rushing it mean, anyway? I'll have to continue later, as the girls have broken out the hula hoops, and it's breakfast time.
We had our drive for the Pregnancy Center today. I also got to speak a little more in-depth with one of my fellow warriors;and the world gets smaller and smaller. We spoke of his unwillingness to be out from behind the table, and in between handing out lists, we talked about stereotypes. It seems the past has been forgiven, once again. I have to say I am proud of him for stepping out of his comfort zone, and it was also nice just to chat with him, as we didn't get started off on the right foot. More interesting things happened than I counted on.
For example, I bought some earrings not too long ago, the chinese symbol for love. How odd that someone at church would have a tattoo of it on his arm. I get to be a face painter for the Walk for Life this year, also. The pregnancy Center has openings for volunteers as well as for paid work.
Mark and Ken cleaned out our garage,for which I am so proud of Mark for getting past the laziness thing. As for Ken, well, he's still Ken. It seems he's still concerned with my opinion of him, for whatever reason. Their are few things sadder to me than a fear of others' opinions of you, especially in guy-girl relationships. Even if the guy is not really interested, for the most part, he's literally afraid of what the girl thinks of him. This leads me to believe that most "serious" relationships are sadly built on familiarity and not too much on love. "He was there, and I was there, so…" Ooh, sounds like fun all around.
Not that I have a lot of room to talk. Miss "Been on one date since moving out here", and coming out of a long-term brain fart, oh, I mean, relationship. And the fact that the people I live with are the least familiar with me, and also afraid of what I think of them. Ugh. It can't just be me. Seriously, what makes me so scary? Because I don't keep my thoughts secret , ro take a poll? Have mercy.
Anyway, blessings are coming at breakneck speeds, including the numerous donations today, meeting new people, getting to know others better, seeing God at work in my life, and His work in others' lives as well. That's it for now.
That I could be so self-centered as not to see the attacks coming on. I have not attended church for two weeks, and have paid dearly for it. I just found out that our whole kids team is leaving, minus me, to find another church. Is it a blessing or a cursing? Is this what I have been asking for? These are questions that I ask God constantly. If I had stayed faithful, I'm sure I would've hada clearer picture of what to do.
Not only this, but we have been attacked on all fronts.
At work, I was quite shocked when someone told me in less polite words, to can it. At home, I had to steady my thoughts so as not to hit my nieces, more than once. I started smoking again, and have again regained my senses, and quit. Our relationships were strained because of issues being ignored, and I honestly thought myself hopeless for awhile; somehow beyond God's reach, desperate to know Him, but thinking, many times, "For what, to be attacked again, and again? To have to fight, tooth and nail, for any resemblance of victory? To lose? But, hold it, I know better than this. I know God favors me like I know that I need air to breathe" Yeah, that's right;that's true and good.
And now I see. As I lift up my prayers, once again, to the only one who is in control, I am reminded that submission is not giving up, but trustin Him to do what's best, according to His will.
Weekly Recap:
Sunday-Church was awesome. Had a whole new experience of God and His great mercies. I was excited to see so many people at church, especially new folk. We had quite a few kids and all were very attentive. Work was, well, work.
Mundayne-was anything but. I gave one of the guys a ride home, so we could go for a friendly little horse-ride. The plan was to ride for about an hour, go home, get some sleep, go back to work. Try a ten second ride. I couldn’t get my shoe off at first, my ankle was so swollen;it took about half an hour of ice to get there. The guy who owned the horse was probably more traumatized than me; I made it home by 2, took a shower and a nap, and when I woke up, Martha was home. I had to crawl to the stairs, and yell up at her, to which she freaked out because I was yelling and crying. I cannot even begin to imagine what a broken bone could feel like. Thank God for her. She went to ARC and found some crutches for me, while i called friends to see if they happened to have any.
So, got the crutches and called for a ride to work. Of all people, Greg. While I have no right to judge anyone, and he did pick me up for work, I was already spending too much time with him. This came to a head by the end of the week. So, while I’m incapable of walking, he’s the nicest guy ever. By the end of the night, I was walking, albeit notwell. He drops William off, then me.End of day.
Tues-While I was walking, I was still not able to drive. And now sore from the crutches. At least I got a workout. Asked Greg to pick me up again.Picked William up.Work. Home
Wed- I’m driving again.Get to work, work for an hour, neither of the boys show up. normal day.Home Lots of Advil.Out very late. Work.
Thurs.-Total turnaround. After I noticed that Greg came in without William, I asked where he was, to which Greg replied, “He didn’t answer the door”. Ok, whatever. Then, William comes in. Long story short, William won’t talk to me even when I talk to him directly, then insults my relationship with God, and Greg, while I’m standing there. To somebody else. Before I got excited about defending myself, I asked Greg if he had talked to him. “No, why?” I didn’t want to start anything between them, so I just said I was curious.
Maybe that’s why he won’t talk to me, either. William continues his rampage like a coward;finally, I asked him what the Bible says about those who put themselves in a place of judge to others. He wasnt very private about his complaints, so I decided to do this publicly. Ghost town. Everyone cleared the aisles, like we were gonna fight or something.
It was really wierd, and I know I got carried away, and I know I let my frustration go too long. And then, the realization: he was right. He wouldn’t talk to me, and I couldn’t talk to Greg, and these are just excuses. Long day. I left at 7. Others stayed til noon.
Friday-supposed to be a day off, but we worked. Cold shoulder from Greg until Mike made us work together. I ask what’s wrong. Me? I’m fine. Cold shoulder from William. Mike, the boss, sings some old romance song, while doing a striptease;can you die from embarrassment? Overheard the wrong conversation between Greg and another co-worker about me and an act that will never happen. For some reason, I still asked him if he’ll work on my car. Mke took us to breakfast, I got my taxes done.Came home and watched Battlestar.
The rest of Saturday I worked on my relationship with God and licked my wounds.
Today, taught 5 kids, and helped with setup. went shopping and visited with Eriin’s nurse at the LNJ.
I’m still getting over some things that were said in the past week, and surpisingly, some of it said by Traci. Not that we’re the best of friends, but I expected more from her.
Anyway, this is my failing sense of self-reliance. Time for God to take over. The lesson fr the week;funny you should ask. Unconditional love to those who harm you in various ways, real or imagined. I am a victor in Christ.
