I don’t care. Not in a ” I hate you, I don’t care ” sorta way, but I’m not responsible for anyone except me. We weren’t meant to shoulder burdens of others’ feelings, just to comfort them thru. I hate when people tell me how I should feel, even worse conivingly.
Thank You, for the good, long nap today. Also, that the day was nice enough for the family to go out and play. Thank You, Lord, for the quiet times. The shift of focus was awesome, too. Especially, thank You for letting me “get” Angies POV. She is obviously from Your heart. Handcrafted.
Thank You for the people who pray for me, as I need it, and You know that. Now that I’ve had a day of rest, Lord, strengthen me for the rest of the week. Don’t let me get lazy on packing and storing, as I remember last minute moving. 32 hours
Thank You for the blessings You’ve bestowed on me, and all that I thought You held back. It’s all good.
…and all parties are better for it.
When things hit the fan, who can put them all back into place better than You? I think I got the message.
Don’t let my pride get in the way of Your best. We all need humbling experiences, even if they hurt a little {or a lot}. When the Big O catches wind, I ask that he be understanding. You know I’d love to be forgiven what I did, but Xavier didn’t seem willing to me.
I pray that You would keep growing me into good relationships with the people that belong in my life, letting me remember the blessings they have all been. God, show me where the hard ones are blessings. My head gets tough, I know.
God, help me with the violent streak thats been hitting me lately. I can’t seem to get past it, and today was proof that it’s not going anywhere on it’s own. The Statement’s getting old. It’s really not funny anymore. I can’t change without Your help. There is no excuse. Although I’ve pretty much ruined any chance of You using me here, I plead forgiveness and healing.
Is it this hard for everyone that takes the Walk? Do others just hide it better? I try to trust You, and end up ripping out of Your hands the very things I just claimed to release to You. It’s hard, Lord. I wonder why You evr called me to believe, yet I have no doubt You’re here.
The Queen lost control, and the jester took the crown, only to realize that he had taken the place a little too well. When the King came back, the Idiot decided the conditions of his station weren’t conducive to his lifestyle, and left promptly. The Queen covered her bruises as if nothing ever happened, moved to the River, and refused to trust the King again.
Maybe it could be a series…
Filed under: Letters to God
Thank You, Lord, that everything is in the open. Though probably not the best for relationships, I’m sure there’s a reason. Funny how it always happens in groups. Even funnier how predictably.
Yay, Meatloaf! How’s the world today? God, I’m trying to be patient, and it’s hard. You are good, and I’ll wait for You. I feel cranky, and have for a few days. It’s not the loss of the car, nor the dating thing, the roommate things, or the Jeremy thing. He was actually quite nice to me today, though. I’m tired, and I’m actually glad to not have my car, because I’d probably just hit the bar, and shortly after, be meeting You face to face.
You always said You’d be here, and I trust You on that. How You could forgive me is still a mystery, but I’m trying to believe it. It’s hard, and I’m angry at myself for being so weak. I guess I thought that facing sexual temptation would be easier after 6 years without the slightest hint, but here I am.
I feel so guilty and disgusting, but I know that’s not how You see me. You are healing me and working in my heart, and I pray for Your strength. It’s time to get to work on this.
Filed under: Letters to God
Hehe, all LOST-esque. The only show I USED TO watch. Who am I kidding; I’ll never give it up. In giving back to F L, the world seems bigger. And scarier, somehow. I’m kinda scared to live in a world where a kid feels he has to hit evryone, kick everything, and bite when someone tries to hold him. I’ve always been a shy person, but I don’t remember being that violent so young. God, I can’t ask what horrible trauma he has endured, but I pray that I can make a positive impact in his life. Give me strength to come alongside these kids{and eventually their parents} and let me always be reminded that it’s YOUR strength, not my own.
I ask if FL is where You want me for Your purpose, and not mine. If my heart was any more broken, I’m not sure I could handle it. I find it quite curious that when John and I were at Rev, You lead me so strongly to work with his family. I always thought we would partner up side by side there. God, they are such a great family. Help me to show my appreciation in ways that truly bless them. If You want me at Rev…Lord, just, what do You want me to do?
God, I ask that our household would learn and stick to good money practices, and I’m the guiltiest. This tax season has proved very difficult for me. Thank You for providing. Thank You for Mark, who didn’t have to help me change my tire. THank You for Ken, who paid for the new one. I ask that I become more of a blessing to both of them. I pray that you would show them how to be men after Your own heart. I love them both dearly, and You know what we’ve been thru together.
Thank You for the Houses, Lord. Though we’ve had our ups and downs, they’ve been a blessing, for sure.
Thank You for my family,
Mom- God, only You know what she needs. Dad-ditto. James-echo. Loyd and Jen-Bless them here, bless them in Korea. God, if there’s any way I could visit them before they go, I would love to. Lisa-let her find love in You, the only love she’ll ever need. Grandma-the sale of her house. The Fairchilds.
The Zerbas-let the move be in Your time, and let tomorrow be a huge success for Ken’s business. Most of all, let them be in right relationship while they’re together, as well as apart. B & C & family- I’d love to have a visit.
For the Houses-let their relationships have less trauma in them. Let E come into a home where he is loved.
I lift all these things up in Jesus’ name.
After the conversation with Ken, I revisited an old friend of a book, aptly named, “I Really Want to Change…So, Help Me God”. What do you think I found there?
About three pages in, the writer said that revisiting the past is not necessarily good for change. Actually, it says,” The key to change is forgetting, not remembering.” The Biblical part is Philippians 3:13, wih an emphasis on Joseph’s life, also. The point of this portion of the book is faulty methods of change, whereas The Wounded Heart was more focused on the unhealthy relating habits of a victim of Child Abuse. God, are they cooperative with each other? I s one right or wrong, or better than the other? I’m gonna really focus on the messages of each, and leave the rest up to You. Open my eyes to whatever You’re trying to show me.
As far as relationships go, I ask for the shoulders to bear them. I’ve found myself distant from others lately, as I either get tired of them bragging about things or complaining more than I want to hear. Am I just too impatient? Do they ever talk about things that matter? Is life really that shallow?
Thank You, Lord, for the mountains and the sense of adventure you have instilled in me. I ask for friends that have like interests to share them with. Thank You for hearing me.
Filed under: Letters to God
When everything falls down, including me, You’re still the One who’s in control. This week, You’ve shown me the beauty of Your love in that, when I use self-control, and refuse to doubt, You will carry me thru. I’m not sure how many of these experiences I can handle, but You showed me not to trust in myself for what You’re doing in my life. It’s all You.
I’ve followed thru on where You’re leading, and have been blessed with Your comfort, even though it was hard. The support system that You’ve given me is awesome. John & Cara, Dave & Scarlet, and myself, Denver. March 17th.
I was talking to Joel today about how most American Christians don’t revere You like they should but, instead see You as a cosmic vending machine. You are THE Most High Holy God, not a genie in a bottle. You cannot be contained, watered down, made common by our simple minds. You are indescribable. Your love is limited only by our acceptance of it.
I ask for clarity on the call, further support thru following thru {did I say I was having a tough time?}, and discernment on what to follow up on. I pray for Your protection over the RevChurch camp, and open eyes and hearts for what You’ve called them to do. I ask for Your protection over my friends, that they would know that they can count on me. I pray for healing in the House clan, strength in ClubLozano, and ZerbaDerba; it’s been a long road there, also.
As always, I pray that You’re healing encompass me to do what You have called me to do, and the perseverance to get thru the slumps, even when I have no energy. I don’t know how Bruce is doing, but I ask that You continue to provide healing in his life and a good leader to show him how to live out his faith. That being said, I ask also that a Christian couple would step up to mentor Bob and Bev, and they would accept what You call them to say. I ask that You use me and I would be totally open to Your will. {You know I have a stubborn streak, too}
Thank You for the little things, like being able to see and hear, that are so major. Every sunrise that I see thru Mitch’s windows reminds me that I don’t have it so bad. When somebody I work with actually stops and listens after “How are you?” to hear the response. God, mostly I praise You because, even though it’s been rough, You are here. You did not create and desert us. You didn’t leave me to my own devices to slowly destroy myself. Even though I may not be the most loved person, I know what’s right and it’s You who gives me strength to do it. You have the best in mind for me, even when I don’t want it. Sometimes I don’t want to be nice, but I choose to because You love me. Sometimes, I don’t want to share, but I do it to show Your love. Thank You for You. Thank You for the Cross, for sending your only Son into my life.
Well, where do I begin? Actually, where did I end? My week has been fine, yet now that the weekend is here, it’s sure to get better. I’ve committed to heavy prayer for it, as I sense You leading me in a direction I don’t want to go in. All the work I’ve done on my own will be rendered useless, and I may lose my mom’s love to boot. How do you tell your own mother that she had a huge part to play in a healing ministry that you may or may not work in, when she doesn’t believe anything ever happened.
I was molested as a child, by her boyfriend. A major thing for any kid to go thru, but add to it having to live in the same house with this person until you’re old enough to leave, biding your time, hoping it never happens again; not to you, not to your sisters. I’m not one for sharing this stuff, but I feel I have to. Everyone thinks they live in a good world, with good people, but ya need to wake up sometime.
There are people in the world who will use you, abuse you, and turn around and blame you, saying you brought it on yourself. Your family has many opportunities, and sometimes, they do it. I love my mom, and I have forgiven her and her boyfriend; it’s an almost-daily process. I don’t want to be involved in a ministry that deals with this everyday. Yes, I’m whining. I pray that I’m getting it wrong. I’ll be a chiropractor; I’ll be a farrier, God, I really don’t want to do this. I want to be on the good side, where everyone else is.
So many times, I’ve gone along willingly; I just don’t feel prepared to have my heart totally broken, but this is what you ask. Could it be that I just haven’t fully dealt with this, and You’re telling me to, or do You really want me to counsel these? I’m having such a hard time with this.
Now, the journal part:
I’ve always felt out of place, with the “normal” crowd; like I don’t belong. I’m sure I’d be appreciated in this ministry, it’s just my stupid pride. I don’t want people I have to look at everyday to know. I know it wasn’t my fault, and I don’t need their pitiful glances. I just want to be seen for me, not what I’ve been thru or a part of. Just me. Take it or leave it. All or nothing. Of course, that hardly is how even my friends see me.
I put my plans aside this weekend, Lord, and I seek Your will.
So, for over a week, I’ve toggled around the thought of never going back to church again. After speaking with a few people and suggestions coming from the most unexpected ones, I decided I would continue attending. Then the migraine hit. Being at work, where the sun blazes in any given window, I felt closest to You. Even as the attacks kept coming, I decided to trust in what i could not see. My decision was made. Though I was in extreme agony, I continued praying. The more I prayed, the worse the pain.
What’s the plan? That’s all I have to say. There’s no way that could have been anything less than a spiritual attack. I say this not to build me up, but to say that I’ll follow, and next time, I hope I say it sooner.
Filed under: Letters to God
I said too much. I said too little. God, can you find a rock for me to hide under? The hole I dug is not quite enough. i’m sure we’ll all laugh about this later; not today, though. My own insecurities haunt me, while everyone else is on sensitivity patrol. I’m just gonna keep typing til I don’t feel sick. You see the me no one else wants to see, yet You love me. Thank You for the people You put in my path to take the seriousness out of life. On the same token, thank You for the ones who believe what I say about what I feel.
As this new year seems to have started teetering already, remind me of the rock I stand on. No matter what I feel, You are here. When I worry too much, when I feel left out and alone, when i try to control things and remember You. God, in all these things I find comfort, but especially in Your love, grace, and mercy. And the greatest is still love.
I felt kinda neglected when Jo came home, and still do to some extent. Who am I to keep her away from her family and her responsibilities, though. Thank You that Christi invited me over and we had that long talk. Hopefully, I helped her as much as she helped me. Unfortunately, I made something out of nothing because i was still in that mindset. Ok, now I’m laughing.
I’ve done what I can do, and the rest is up to You. I had hoped things would change, but now I realize they won’t. Move in my heart, L0rd; strengthen me for these trials. It’s all about You. Be glorified.
