Filed under: Angela's Journal
I have discovered the joy that is Phantom of the Opera. having worked at a video store, you would think it would have been one of the first musicals I had seen; Grease was the first. It goes to show you, association contributes greatly to personality. So, I missed Thanksgiving with all of my families: Hawkins, Lozano, Rev, and biological. I’m still recovering, but I have to get the Lifeboat worked on before returning to post. The past 6 days were filled with rest and self-medication.
More self-medication than rest, and a little Phantom, too. Had the house to myself, except the animals, who insisted on not sleeping, so I medicated some more, to hardly any avail. Also watched Batman Begins, and nailed the age-old question of my generation”Who is the best Batman?”. The answer is hands-down, Christian Bale. Just a little more normal than Keaton, yet still eccentric; less perfect than Kilmer, yet still attractive. ok, enough of that.
I think I’ll go to the park after my car’s done. I was quite proud of myself for getting the place, mostly cleaned up, especially having the Crud. Not that I could sleep. Anyway, I’m almost done. It’s time for a break before it gets cold again. And I need exercise. Also, a friend has reappeared, for which i am very thankful.
Numbers 6:24-26 The Lord bless you and keep you;
25 the LORD make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you;
26 the LORD lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.
Filed under: Angela's Journal
I know everything I’ve been the last few weeks, thus far, has been an effort by satan to render me useless;I’m sorry to say it worked.
Especially since I’ve hatched my new plan, I have been in the worst funk about things. Although I know the war is already won, my battles grow so close together that it’s hard to remember what, exactly, I am up against at any given moment. Every day that I fail to act is another day closer to the fall. I know this and have experienced it many times, yet here I am again.
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. 1 COR 10:13
The more I am tempted to give up, the more I want to fight, the more I know I need to surrender. The more I try to open up to people, the more i seem to shut down when they respond. The more I try to keep in touch, the further away my friends pull. I know I’m going the right direction;if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t have so much difficulty.
Ephesians 3
14For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, 15from whom every family[c] in heaven and on earth is named, 16that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith–that you, being rooted and grounded in love, 18may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, 19and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.
20Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, 21to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. Good night
Filed under: Angela's Journal
Today is the third anniversary of Erin’s death, and no one can find our videos. This doesn’t stop the plans for dinner, though. I have my suspicions of where they might be. So, just me and the girls, a bunch of pictures, and Cracker Barrel. Update later.
I had a post going, and I don’t care to restart it. Here’s the short of it. Big snow, big emotions this week. You are here, and I know it. Thank you for the prayer meeting. How do I get started? Where do I go? Beside further into debt. I miss my sister and I wish I had my car and it wasn’t snowing so badly. Help.
When it’s hard and when it’s not. Help me to remember. When I feel deserted. When I feel the fire, let me remember that I asked for it. When I wanna scream, let me pray instead. Let my focus ever be on You. Let me see the love I so want to in the people I meet. I cannot change, but You can change me. God, open my eyes because I don’t understand. No matter how much time I spend seeking You, the answers never seem to come in my code. I don’t see how the pieces fit. I don’t see where I fit. It’s like the tape from Lost;nobody knows what it means, and the more answers they get, the more questions they have.
I have never walked on water and I’ve never calmed a storm Sometimes I’m hiding away from the madness around me, like a child who’s afraid of the dark
But, when I call on Jesus, all things are possible. I can mount on wings like eagles and soar. When I call on Jesus, mountains are gonna fall.He’ll move heaven and earth to come rescue me when I call.
Help me to own this. Thank You, God.
Filed under: Angela's Journal
So, I learned something new today. According to a Uof Florida study, the more trauma you have in your life, the more piercings you have. I wonder if it also applies to tattoos. So, there’s the deep thought for the day.Ramblings…
I’m considering taking a job overseas for a few months, just to appreciate the freedom I have. I wonder if I’m just one of those people, unlike most, that are addicted to change; apparently, most people hate change.
I start community service next week, cleaning a church. I thought I would have to give up my weekends for this, but asluck would have it, I can do the time after work, and it’s close to the house. So, $500 later, I’ve learned never to trust someone else to follow thru, no matter how many times you remind them.
As so many thoughts crowd my brain, I wonder what the purpose of them is. For example, what sound does a crying dove make? Why do I get mad at little things, yet allow big things to happen without a second thought? Is anything I think useful? Do I make a difference? Why are people nice to me when I’m a jerk? Am I living for God? Why doesn’t He stop me from smoking? What am I doing wrong? Why do people settle? Why can’t I be normal? Am I really as wierd as people say? When did I start caring about what others think? What constitutes a friend?Alright, that’s enough.
I went in to work today, much like any other Friday, just glad that I woke up on time. Shortly after arriving, one of the guys pulled me aside and told me that Mr. Obsession tried to follow me out of the parking lot yesterday. Ok, in case anyone’s wondering, I am not, by any definition, hot; I have not led this guy on and I try to get along with him. That being said, in his attempt, he almost caused an accident. The guy who pulled me aside offered to follow me home, just to be safe, since he lives around the corner from me. I don’t know what to make out of all of this. I know this guy is pretty unhinged, but stalking?
I’ve never been so scared in my life. Or confused. What should I do? Last week, some kids stole a bunch of stuff out of my car, and a neighbor found some of it strewn down the road. My response to this was to get my stuff and check my car for what was missing, grateful that it wasn’t stolen. The solution was easy:start locking the car, evn if there’s nothing of value in it. How do I deal with some guy that I work with acting this way? I can’t live my life in fear again. I do remember these feelings, from so long ago, a preoccupation of whether life was worth living. I know as a Christian, I should not worry; in my head I know, but my heart is so troubled. The last time I was able to be a carefree person was when I was 10 years old. More questions…
Is there a purpose in all of this? Will I end up like my mom, settling for a self-centered, immature victim mentality? God, I release all of these feelings to you, I don’t know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? I can’t go thru this again. Does anyone besides you understand? Why doesn’t this mountain move? Have I not dealt with the issues the right way? Okay, the laundry’s done.
Seriously, is it? Can you even call it love? What about unrequited love? Do we tend to love only those who love us, or is it posiible to get past that? If your friend is “interested” in you, do you not return their calls if you don’t feel the same; do you just attempt to leave it alone? Is the friendship stronger than that? Is it worth trying to salvage the friendship without going into that? Honestly, these are my questions.
While I try not to assume anything in not hearing from the person in question, it’s difficult. Especially when the reply is just to set a date to talk thru it, not a commitment either way. I guess the real questions are can I handle his answer when he gives it, and where do we go from there. As unhappy as it would make most people that know me, I don’t care. Apparently he doesn’t deserve what I give, but they don’t know what I’ve put him thru. Ya know what, scratch that, we’re about even. Well, not anymore, but at least I didn’t ask him in front of his other friends or try to find out from someone else.
Relationships are hard enough without trying for drama. Now I wonder if I did the right thing in telling him. While others assure me that, “At least you know the answer”, “You won’t wonder later”, and other great quips such as that, what if he decides that our friendship isn’t even worth it. I mean, we just started talking again. So, while i pick up the pieces and wait ’til I know all the damage is done, How are you, world?
As far as prayer goes, that God shows me purpose beyond myself, that my life be centered around Him, and that I’ll be able to visit my family for Thanksgiving. God bless.
After what seems a very long absence, Angela returns. Not any wiser as to the ways of the world, but more peacefully than before. I had some time of remembering Erin, and I found myself eager, in a sense, to forget her. I can’t describe the pain and despair that I have felt for that week.
Not even my closest friends were privy to it, until it was over. It hit me at work, it hit me at home, it hit me in the car; everywhere I went, she was there, yet I knew she wasn’t. I will never see my sister again, unless she accepted Christ before she died.
The clincher is that both my nieces, though uniquely their own little people, remind me so much of her and our visiting times are put to rest. I don’t resent them, I never could, but, man, do I ever miss her.
My roommates are going thru struggles different than my own, and it’s frightfully hard to live with a married couple that have a very strong relationship, and still see struggles. Yet, hope fills me.
i just made amends with a longtime friend, and now don’t really know why.Actually, now I remember. My relationship with God was suffering because I held so much against them. We talked things over, as you do, and I believe we’re both the better for it. My new small group has deemed me in charge of service projects, yet that has been unfruitful. I love the people in my group, and in my church, but something is missing terribly.
As for Mark and Martha, we still keep things light, and they also had no clue of what i was thinking the last time I saw them and the girls.
While I do feeel a little better after taking my thyroid medication, I wonder how long that will last. I am seriously considering acupuncture as treatment, but I’m not sure where to begin with that.
Work has become harder than I expected, especially since I had a week of not wanting to talk to anybody about anything, yet wanting to scream to everybody, “My sister’s dead. You can’t do anything to help me, so don’t even try!”
I wonder if this has something to do with pretty much all of my friends becoming more of acquaintances as of late, and my failure to get out of the”woe is me” fog. Yeah, right, I know it has. That and money. Hey, any excuse will do at this point, but no this is more a call to myself for action and to start the wheeels turning again.
So, I’m off, I’ve got friends to pester, after a few deep breaths.
Filed under: Angela's Journal
Yeah, theyre wonderful things. Unfortunately, somone has sank my battleship. It’s been renamed, in reference to the fight it is to keep in shape. So, let’s see, where did we leave off? Moving went well. The House threw me a birthday party and gave me a card that simply said, “Welcome home” Sweet. Had to work on my birthday, but it wasn’t bad. I get the girls on Thursdays, except this week. Martha’s dropping them off tomorrow. The tension I used to feel going home is gone.
The best news is that they changed my schedule, so I have weekends off after the 7th and I don’t have to be there until 7am.Very sweet. Stll not on the thyroid medication, as I should be, but stress-free is much better. I can go back to church and I restarted my quiet time with God. I still miss my friends that don’t live here, but I’m sure they’ll call sometime. I guess that’s it. God bless.
Filed under: Angela's Journal
Trying to get packed for the Big Move. A coupple from church has decided to let me rent the entire basement{finished} of their house. As we discussed the details, I was so excited that God has brought us together, and that we are all such a blessing to each other.
So everyone’s excited, including Mark and especially Martha. Not much time for anything else.
Filed under: Angela's Journal
I found a few spare moments to track my progress, which means I've been reading past entries. I believe I have reached some growth. It doesn't bother me much that the circumstances aren't getting much better; I am more patient than I have been; I am able to count my blessings more quickly. I am so thankful for everything. God has blessed me with contentment and peace, so that I may encourage others.
I witnessed an elder frantically racing around to get ready for a party, and I wondered if it's considered working out of love if you're stressed out about what you're doing. Should you agree to cook for someone if you know it ups the blood pressure, causes you to yell and push others around, etc.? What causes the stress?
I remember conceding to Erin's every whim when I was first saved, because I thought that's what I was supposed to do as a Christian; it was my duty. I hated her for it, I hated me for it, most of all, I hated God. I had no life, no friends, and I wouldn't let myself feel anything aftre awhile. I fooled everyone else and I felt so fake.
Then, I found out that the more we try to be perfect, the more judgeMENTAL we are. So, given these discoveries, I decided to only do things because I wanted to or out of love for the other person. What did I find? The more freedom you give yourself to say "No", the freer you are to say "Yes" and enjoy it. My new mission is to do new things that will be fun, and focus on the fun, not the newness{is that a word?} including the Walk for Life. I get to paint faces.Woohoo!!!Let the fun begin.
