My plans have been put on hold, as my car is not cooperating. I’m so ready to go, even though no one has looked at the apartment, my car is a hole in the bucket, and my nieces are put to bed crying about every other night. I give up control of my life.

 My heart breaks every time I see them. I have no answers for the girls I helped to raise, and telling them to go to Jesus and ask Him for help in dealing with it seems trite. It’s hard not to cry when they mention their mom, as I very much still miss her, too. I would be lieing if I said my heart is 100% in the move, and it’s mostly due to them. It’s an awesome training opportunity, and I would be stupid not to try for it. I miss the rest of my family, too. I miss the “down home”.

  I don’t miss the traffic or humidity, but the activities and the ability to breathe are nice. Guess that’s it for now.

I don’t care. Not in a ” I hate you, I don’t care ” sorta way, but I’m not responsible for anyone except me. We weren’t meant to shoulder burdens of others’ feelings, just to comfort them  thru. I hate when people tell me how I should feel, even worse conivingly.

Thank You, for the good, long nap today. Also, that the day was nice enough for the family to go out and play. Thank You, Lord, for the quiet times. The shift of focus was awesome, too. Especially, thank You for letting me “get” Angies POV. She is obviously from Your heart. Handcrafted.

 Thank You for the people who pray for me, as I need it, and You know that. Now that I’ve had a day of rest, Lord, strengthen me for the rest of the week. Don’t let me get lazy on packing and storing, as I remember last minute moving. 32 hours

 Thank You for the blessings You’ve bestowed on me, and all that I thought You held back. It’s all good.

Yay, Meatloaf! How’s the world today? God, I’m trying to be patient, and it’s hard. You are good, and I’ll wait for You. I feel cranky, and have for a few days. It’s not the loss of the car, nor the dating thing, the roommate things, or the Jeremy thing. He was actually quite nice to me today, though. I’m tired, and I’m actually glad to not have my car, because I’d probably just hit the bar, and shortly after, be meeting You face to face.

  You always said You’d be here, and I trust You on that. How You could forgive me is still a mystery, but I’m trying to believe it. It’s hard, and I’m angry at myself for being so weak. I guess I thought that  facing sexual temptation would be easier after 6 years without the slightest hint, but here I am.

  I feel so guilty and disgusting, but I know that’s not how You see me. You are healing me and working in my heart, and I pray for Your strength.  It’s time to get to work on this.

After the conversation with Ken, I revisited an old friend of a book, aptly named, “I Really Want to Change…So, Help Me God”. What do you think I found there?

  About three pages in, the writer said that revisiting the past is not necessarily good for change. Actually, it says,” The key to change is forgetting, not remembering.” The Biblical part is Philippians 3:13, wih an emphasis on Joseph’s life, also. The point of this portion of the book is faulty methods of change, whereas  The Wounded Heart was more focused on the unhealthy relating habits of a victim of Child Abuse. God, are they cooperative with each other? I s one right or wrong, or better than the other? I’m gonna really focus on the messages of each, and leave the rest up to You. Open my eyes to whatever You’re trying to show me.

 As far as relationships go, I ask for the shoulders to bear them. I’ve found myself distant from others lately, as I either get tired of them bragging about things or complaining more than I want to hear. Am I just too impatient? Do they ever talk about things that matter? Is life really that shallow?

 Thank You, Lord, for the mountains and the sense of adventure you have instilled in me. I ask for friends that have like interests to share them with. Thank You for hearing me.

It was an awesome concert. I invited my non-beau and a couple of others. Good times, except waiting fifteen minutes to go to the restroom. Afterwards, I danced with Ken, first a couple of line dances, then we hung out awhile and talked. I went outside, and when I came back, he was talking to a bartender, who had asked him to dance. So, when I got back, he asked me to dance, as in couple-type dancing, AAAHHH. But, I said yes, as I trust him to a certain extent. It wasn’t until later that I felt the wierdness of it all.

 We have history, but we’ve never “dated”, so to speak.  We’ve had our ups and downs, as many friends do, yet we remain friends. I’ve expressed interest and he’s turned me down a couple of times. We were supposed to be going out as friends, but dancing with him and the way he asked just made me so uneasy. I would’ve much more preferred that he danced with the bartender, then I wouldn’t have felt so singled out.

 I talked with him today, and he said it sucks that one relationship in the past could affect my future so deeply. I admit I was hurt, and that I couldn’t forget the past. “Why not?” was the response. The conversation cut short because he was dropping me off, but not before I tried to explain that I don’t dwell on it and I’m just working thru old emotions that resurface. It was like talking to my mom, trying to convince her that anything ever happened in the first place.

 I’m not sure where that leaves us, but right now, I’m not too concerned. At the counselor’s office, Linda told me that I should journal about the emotional roller coaster, and that has helped. I’ve gotten pretty good at recognizing red flags of shutting out others, or shutting down entirely when I don’t like what’s going on. I responded to a Satanist at work, who insisted on wearing an Anti-Church shirt, by telling him the shirt reminded me of the sacrifice that was made for me and him. It was a lamb head on a baby’s body hanging on a cross. I thank God that I didn’t respond with my choice of words, then I wondered if he was even allowed to wear the shirt at work.

 I’ve noticed one of two things this week. Either I see a lot of poeple as caustic {wrongfully}, or they really are. Maybe I’m just waiting to get burned again. I’ve noticed it in myself, also. Sarcasm is my defense, instead of finding out what people really mean by what they say. Luckily, at least at work, we’re on light duty, so I’ll be able to experiment with some theories. The ambivalence of needing to be wanted and hating the need comes out a lot, especially around Jeremy. He’s been my biggest soundboard.

I remember him asking how I was one day and I came back with, ” Are you asking cuz you care, or do you just want me to think you do?” No matter how he tried to reassure me, I couldn’t believe he actually cared. Now I seek him out to tell him stuff. Yay! Let the workplace gossipers run with that. I wonder if Ken sees his own walls that he’s placed himself behind, or if I should bring it up. It always seems that when I get used to just being friends, he tries to change it so that I feel attached, and he has someone to run back to. It looks so harsh a judgment when it’s typed out, but I don’t know how else to express it. I better leave it for now, until we can talk it out. Thanks for reading and supporting me with your prayers.

It’s amazing to me that the wierdest things make me stop and think about my life and how it’s going. Yesterday I threw a cup of coffee on someone. Yes, it was hot. The reasoning behind it was not really important, and I won’t make excuses. There is no reason good enough for doing something like that.

   Since I’ve started counseling, I’ve been back and forth on whether I should even bother with it, which is obviously the enemy trying to hinder my progress. I definitely should continue, if for no other reason, to get better self-control. I’ve never considered that I have major anger issues until yesterday. in l;ooking back on my life, I see why my mom has always been worried about me, yet doesn’t know why. She always knew why, she just is too afraid to tell me. If I think too much about it, I can see that I’m very capable of unintentionally hurting somebody out of anger or frustration.

 I got to the meat and potatoes of my book and broke down last night. How could I be so blind for so long, making excuses to myself and others that my behavior is justified? There is no excuse for it. In many ways, I’m still ten years old, throwing temper tantrums and putting up walls that no one else sees but me. It seems like people don’t even care any more about each other. If someone had done to me what I did, I would like to think that after I cooled off i would be able to ask them what was really going on, why they were so upset. I want to be that person, the one that people come to if they’re going thru hard times. Not for them to confide in me, but just to say,”I’m here and I care”.

On the same token, I want the same for myself. I know my friends care about me, but I’m not really sure if they would be there if I had a really bad day. If they would judge me or tell me what I should do. God knows I’m trying and today I had a breakthrough. I went looking for the guy I threw coffee on, on the verge of tears over what I did. I apologized and he did the most profound, unexpected thing. He said, “Do you need a hug?” I’m all about the hugs, so of course, I obliged. As we were hugging, He asked me if I was okay and I started sniffling. The sweet release of being forgiven.

 After assuring him that I was crying happy tears, we went to our briefings. It made me think about all the things I’ve done that God has already forgiven. It makes me appreciate His sacrifice even more. Most of all, it reminds me that i can never allow myslef to go back to being bitter about life. I didn’t realize how bad I was, I was totally clueless. This is the path to healing. God is good, and it’s gonna be a long road.

  I want so badly to tell my therapist of this, but she’s out of town on a mission trip. God has been so gracious to me, and I have been so ungrateful. Now I have to remember what I’ve been given. it can never be bought, nor can it be taken away.  Now I have to fight the right way. I know there will be more tears and heartache, but they will strengthen me. I know I will fall, but I also have a support system to help me get back up. Life seems worth living again.

Some of this stuff seems so obvious now, yet I have new eyes to appreciate it.  Did I mention God is good? I’ll close with the Beatitudes, which we’re studying in church. The attitudes we need to cultivate. I have to add that my pastor taght us that meekness is strength under control. I have been pondering this for three weeks, and I think I might be getting a grasp on it. God bless.

Matthew 5:3-10

 3“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
      for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
 4Blessed are those who mourn,
      for they will be comforted.
 5Blessed are the meek,
      for they will inherit the earth.
 6Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
      for they will be filled.
 7Blessed are the merciful,
      for they will be shown mercy.
 8Blessed are the pure in heart,
      for they will see God.
 9Blessed are the peacemakers,
      for they will be called sons of God.
 10Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
      for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

 So, began therapy Tuesday, got a book from the therapist, The Family Crucible. Nothing really heart-shattering happened with either.

Wednesday, took the day off to work on, by far, my unruliest horse, which I’m not quite sure why I continue to work with. I love her owners; that’s gonna be my excuse. So, I did that, found a nail in her frog,  and realized I was really tired. Then I noticed this horrible cough I had. I was sure it was from the tea my acupuncturist gave me to clear out my lungs, so I went on a short hike, got totally winded, and went home. 2 hours of community service, home again, bed. Woke up about every hour from coughing so hard.

Thursday, Woke up  right before the alarm, still coughing, but feeling able to conquer the world. Get to work and, only when my nose starts running, do I realize I’ve gotten the flu. I don’t mind the cough, but I work with food, and it’s just wrong to expose others to this junk, especially with food. So my boss won’t let me go home, evn though I’ve rubbed my lip raw in trying to contain the flood, He asks, ” Are you really that bad off? I have too many people going home, already.” This was a total lie, and the sad part is he says this to all that aren’t his favored few. Sadder still, He’s also a Christian. Anyway, I was right at the point where it was too funny to fight him, so I just went back to work. I was too tired. About ten minutes later, he let me go. Acupuncture and Chiropractor, teas and formulas, and pills. Lots of rest.

Friday was a total wash. I stayed in bed til noon, and went back and forth after that, from bed to bathroom, watched a movie. I did learn how much I can drink without having to get up and go, and I also learned that you have to stretch once in a while. 16 hours of bedrest does wonders.

Saturday, Here I come to clean the day! Bathroom, laundry separated, dishes done, vaccuumed. Hey, no runny nose. WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!

Today, catch up on e-mail, and blog. Clean office. Read more.

As this year draws to a close, I pray that ‘07 is better. Not that I didn’t learn a lot this year. I’ve been surprised by random acts of kindness that made me feel worse for witnessing them, mistrusted the wrong people, trusted the wrong ones, and have learned how to deal with rejection in a better manner.

 I have learned a lot from my friends, a lot more from my enemies, and a little about myself.  I’ve questioned God, got answers from the unlikeliest sources, and have grown to appreciate relationships more as they develop. I have surprised myself about how cynical I became for awhile, and was surprised even more when those who are closest to me stood by and said, you guessed it, nothing.

  Of all things I’ve learned about myself, the list is topped by this comment that was made about me.” Stregnth is found when you want to here what you don’t really want to hear.” What it boils down to is wanting to know when people think you’re wrong, out of respect for the relationship, and the love and courage to tell the truth, no matter what. So, there’s 2006 in a nutshell.

Happy New Year, all.

Numbers 6:24-26

24 ‘May the Lord bless you
      and protect you.
 25 May the Lord smile on you
      and be gracious to you.
 26 May the Lord show you his favor
      and give you his peace.’

 So, this is Christmas. Apparently, I spread cheer like a canker sore. I’m not sure that’s spelled right, but who cares? Who cares that Jesus died for us, as long as there are presents under the tree to make God’s sacrifice meaningless? Who cares that more people believe in Santa Claus than God, oh, except when there are catastrophes? Then God is real, and He abandoned us, right? Oh, that’s right, if God doesn’t do anything for us, why should we care about Him? I mean He only cherishes evry soul on the planet. He only lets us go thru struggles so that He can deliver us from ourselves.

  So, this year, it’s God’s Christmas for me. I’m dog-sitting for some friends, so I’m just gonna stay at their house and spend it with a deaf dog, and my Bible. Time with God is never wasted. I’ll update when on my sisters’ visits when I get back. I don’t even know if Jennifer is out of the state, yet. All in all, it was a good visit. I guess that’s it for now.

  Thank you, God, for understanding me when people would just rather hate me. Thank you for the time I get to spend away from home for a few days. God, thank you that it’s not Christmas every day, when people put on their fake smiles, and act cheerful, when they’re falling apart. Thank you for your sacrifice and love. Grow me as I seek to know you more.

As i was feeling sorry for myself because The Neighborhood Connection project didn’t go well, I got a call.First, the details that made me upset:

It was snowing. It had snowed most of the night into this morning. The houses on my route were nicely decorated, obviously made to look cheerful for the holidays, to let the neighbors know that they were happy and joyful and full of the spirit. I had watched most of my neighbors spend days on decorating. As I was full of that feeling that you know you’re doing something great for others, I got rejection after rejection, until I reached the last house.

The last neighbor’s donation helped to soften the blow, but it still was upsetting that my labor was mostly in vain. And i was cold. I just read a chapter of a book that said “We tend to run away from pain in our lives, instead of letting God use the pain for His purpose.” I was determined not to let it get me down, to work thru it somehow. So I shoveled the driveway. Since I was there, I shoveled around the mailbox, trying to make it easier for the mailman and the neighbors to get to. Finally, some comfort. I would do something for them, regardless of their attitudes towards me or the church.

As I was shoveling, I realized that I had not yet purchased anything to donate, so how could I be so hard on them? My heart softened a little more. My brother called to move my niece’s birthday shin-dig back ’til tomorrow. One step back.  Had a nice conversation with the mailman, who is quite resemblant of Saint Nick, which is funny, cuz he bore the gift of a check. Two steps forward. So, I was just OK at that point.

Then, the call…

A lady that formerly attended my church calls to ask me to dog-sit for her over Christmas. For $125! It’s not the money, but it does help. The fact that I can actually see where my help is needed and do something about it is fantastic, plus she’s saving on kennel costs since she has two dogs.

Thank You, Lord, once again, for comforting me and blessing me. I have much that can’t be expressed in words, yet is screaming to be let out. I want to shout from the rooftops,”See, I am helpful, I am useful! God uses the foolish things to shame the wise.” Ahhh.

And now, a little story:

The gardener tells the rose of it’s beauty, the blushing of it’s petals , the sweet fragrance, the joy in watching it grow. The rose replies,”Yes, but all I see is the thorns. I long to be held and caressed, as my friends, the daisy and the sunflower.” “But, you are the most beautiful flower in the garden!”, replies the gardener.” All the other flowers want to be like you, treasured and precious.”

“And never touched” the rose says forlornly. “Those thorns are for your protection, that you will not be stripped of your beauty by any passing by, looking for a treat.”he says, trying to comfort his lovely friend. “Please, please, take them away, as only you know how.”" Then what will you have for protection?” the gardener asked. The reply came, soft and slow.”I…don’t…care.” So, the gardener did the only thing he could do.

He cut the rose, thorns and all, fashioning them into attachments, and he held the rose next to his heart for the rest of her days. The rose eventually withered, but she never felt more beautiful than when she was there.

I don’t know how I could write something so fitting to me right now. When everything else falls away, I am beautiful in God’s sight.