Ministry, Work, Love, and Life

It was an awesome concert. I invited my non-beau and a couple of others. Good times, except waiting fifteen minutes to go to the restroom. Afterwards, I danced with Ken, first a couple of line dances, then we hung out awhile and talked. I went outside, and when I came back, he was talking to a bartender, who had asked him to dance. So, when I got back, he asked me to dance, as in couple-type dancing, AAAHHH. But, I said yes, as I trust him to a certain extent. It wasn’t until later that I felt the wierdness of it all.

 We have history, but we’ve never “dated”, so to speak.  We’ve had our ups and downs, as many friends do, yet we remain friends. I’ve expressed interest and he’s turned me down a couple of times. We were supposed to be going out as friends, but dancing with him and the way he asked just made me so uneasy. I would’ve much more preferred that he danced with the bartender, then I wouldn’t have felt so singled out.

 I talked with him today, and he said it sucks that one relationship in the past could affect my future so deeply. I admit I was hurt, and that I couldn’t forget the past. “Why not?” was the response. The conversation cut short because he was dropping me off, but not before I tried to explain that I don’t dwell on it and I’m just working thru old emotions that resurface. It was like talking to my mom, trying to convince her that anything ever happened in the first place.

 I’m not sure where that leaves us, but right now, I’m not too concerned. At the counselor’s office, Linda told me that I should journal about the emotional roller coaster, and that has helped. I’ve gotten pretty good at recognizing red flags of shutting out others, or shutting down entirely when I don’t like what’s going on. I responded to a Satanist at work, who insisted on wearing an Anti-Church shirt, by telling him the shirt reminded me of the sacrifice that was made for me and him. It was a lamb head on a baby’s body hanging on a cross. I thank God that I didn’t respond with my choice of words, then I wondered if he was even allowed to wear the shirt at work.

 I’ve noticed one of two things this week. Either I see a lot of poeple as caustic {wrongfully}, or they really are. Maybe I’m just waiting to get burned again. I’ve noticed it in myself, also. Sarcasm is my defense, instead of finding out what people really mean by what they say. Luckily, at least at work, we’re on light duty, so I’ll be able to experiment with some theories. The ambivalence of needing to be wanted and hating the need comes out a lot, especially around Jeremy. He’s been my biggest soundboard.

I remember him asking how I was one day and I came back with, ” Are you asking cuz you care, or do you just want me to think you do?” No matter how he tried to reassure me, I couldn’t believe he actually cared. Now I seek him out to tell him stuff. Yay! Let the workplace gossipers run with that. I wonder if Ken sees his own walls that he’s placed himself behind, or if I should bring it up. It always seems that when I get used to just being friends, he tries to change it so that I feel attached, and he has someone to run back to. It looks so harsh a judgment when it’s typed out, but I don’t know how else to express it. I better leave it for now, until we can talk it out. Thanks for reading and supporting me with your prayers.