After the conversation with Ken, I revisited an old friend of a book, aptly named, “I Really Want to Change…So, Help Me God”. What do you think I found there?
About three pages in, the writer said that revisiting the past is not necessarily good for change. Actually, it says,” The key to change is forgetting, not remembering.” The Biblical part is Philippians 3:13, wih an emphasis on Joseph’s life, also. The point of this portion of the book is faulty methods of change, whereas The Wounded Heart was more focused on the unhealthy relating habits of a victim of Child Abuse. God, are they cooperative with each other? I s one right or wrong, or better than the other? I’m gonna really focus on the messages of each, and leave the rest up to You. Open my eyes to whatever You’re trying to show me.
As far as relationships go, I ask for the shoulders to bear them. I’ve found myself distant from others lately, as I either get tired of them bragging about things or complaining more than I want to hear. Am I just too impatient? Do they ever talk about things that matter? Is life really that shallow?
Thank You, Lord, for the mountains and the sense of adventure you have instilled in me. I ask for friends that have like interests to share them with. Thank You for hearing me.
Filed under: Angela's Journal
It was an awesome concert. I invited my non-beau and a couple of others. Good times, except waiting fifteen minutes to go to the restroom. Afterwards, I danced with Ken, first a couple of line dances, then we hung out awhile and talked. I went outside, and when I came back, he was talking to a bartender, who had asked him to dance. So, when I got back, he asked me to dance, as in couple-type dancing, AAAHHH. But, I said yes, as I trust him to a certain extent. It wasn’t until later that I felt the wierdness of it all.
We have history, but we’ve never “dated”, so to speak. We’ve had our ups and downs, as many friends do, yet we remain friends. I’ve expressed interest and he’s turned me down a couple of times. We were supposed to be going out as friends, but dancing with him and the way he asked just made me so uneasy. I would’ve much more preferred that he danced with the bartender, then I wouldn’t have felt so singled out.
I talked with him today, and he said it sucks that one relationship in the past could affect my future so deeply. I admit I was hurt, and that I couldn’t forget the past. “Why not?” was the response. The conversation cut short because he was dropping me off, but not before I tried to explain that I don’t dwell on it and I’m just working thru old emotions that resurface. It was like talking to my mom, trying to convince her that anything ever happened in the first place.
I’m not sure where that leaves us, but right now, I’m not too concerned. At the counselor’s office, Linda told me that I should journal about the emotional roller coaster, and that has helped. I’ve gotten pretty good at recognizing red flags of shutting out others, or shutting down entirely when I don’t like what’s going on. I responded to a Satanist at work, who insisted on wearing an Anti-Church shirt, by telling him the shirt reminded me of the sacrifice that was made for me and him. It was a lamb head on a baby’s body hanging on a cross. I thank God that I didn’t respond with my choice of words, then I wondered if he was even allowed to wear the shirt at work.
I’ve noticed one of two things this week. Either I see a lot of poeple as caustic {wrongfully}, or they really are. Maybe I’m just waiting to get burned again. I’ve noticed it in myself, also. Sarcasm is my defense, instead of finding out what people really mean by what they say. Luckily, at least at work, we’re on light duty, so I’ll be able to experiment with some theories. The ambivalence of needing to be wanted and hating the need comes out a lot, especially around Jeremy. He’s been my biggest soundboard.
I remember him asking how I was one day and I came back with, ” Are you asking cuz you care, or do you just want me to think you do?” No matter how he tried to reassure me, I couldn’t believe he actually cared. Now I seek him out to tell him stuff. Yay! Let the workplace gossipers run with that. I wonder if Ken sees his own walls that he’s placed himself behind, or if I should bring it up. It always seems that when I get used to just being friends, he tries to change it so that I feel attached, and he has someone to run back to. It looks so harsh a judgment when it’s typed out, but I don’t know how else to express it. I better leave it for now, until we can talk it out. Thanks for reading and supporting me with your prayers.
Filed under: Uncategorized
My roommates are adopting from China, again. So, all this week, I’ve been trying to do my part. Medical records-no PCP, hmmm. CBI Records-wife roommate did ‘em. Child abuse Profile-she did those, too. So, I didn’t get my part done, and they must wait on me. My question is “What’s the difference between 6 months and 6 1/2 months- I’m giving myself grace on getting a physical. It costs money, which they offered to pay, but that’s not the point. I just feel rushed, and I prefer not to. I can understand the excitement of getting their son home, I really can.
My problem was that I was asked on Monday to be here to meet the social worker today, and my signature was forged for the sake of speeding up the process. Does the end justify the means? I’m just venting here, so I put my week on hold, and I feel all turned around. No Therapist, No Acupuncture, No Chiropractor, and strange things happening. I’m just not sure why, but I feel major significance, like I should not forget. Maybe God showing me that I don’t need all this stuff, and not to let anyone try to control my life. I have important things to do, also.
I know I seem to be the “selfish single” here, but I’m thinking it’s a little pushiness, too. I have a few friends that have kids, and it seems that sometimes they think they’re more important because they have kids. Everything has to be done right away, immediately. Hush, hush, rush, rush. Sorry, don’t have time to care about you…at all…Oh, could you sign this…Thanks, see ya later. What’s even worse is when Marrieds try to multi-task with you and their spouse; if I was their mate, I’d be pretty pissed if they tried to mix my personal time with them with a chat session.
Ok, I never noticed that thought before. I would rather someone tell me that it’s “their” time together than to experience the discomfort of that again. I think many people just can’t say ” no” gracefully, where they don’t feel guilty. My roommate and I have had this discussion, along with the “no gossip” discussion, yet I wonder if she just can’t control herself sometimes. The people I work with know I don’t listen to gossip, and they walk away from me, snarling, that they let me have control over them. I’m sorry, it’s their own fault. You don’t like it? Tell me that I have no control over you. Free country, right?
I realized, after a guy I work with apologized needlessly for his language, that I have no right to tell them what they can do. I told him that I thought I would rather he stood up for himself and let me be offended. Suddenly, I must have grown a second head. He couldn’t wrap his mind around the concept that I would walk away if it was too much for me. I really am not bothered so much by the language as the gossip, because it’s a weakness I am always on the verge of falling back into.
Anyway, I’ll wrap up here for now. I have laundry to do.
Filed under: Angela's Journal
It’s amazing to me that the wierdest things make me stop and think about my life and how it’s going. Yesterday I threw a cup of coffee on someone. Yes, it was hot. The reasoning behind it was not really important, and I won’t make excuses. There is no reason good enough for doing something like that.
Since I’ve started counseling, I’ve been back and forth on whether I should even bother with it, which is obviously the enemy trying to hinder my progress. I definitely should continue, if for no other reason, to get better self-control. I’ve never considered that I have major anger issues until yesterday. in l;ooking back on my life, I see why my mom has always been worried about me, yet doesn’t know why. She always knew why, she just is too afraid to tell me. If I think too much about it, I can see that I’m very capable of unintentionally hurting somebody out of anger or frustration.
I got to the meat and potatoes of my book and broke down last night. How could I be so blind for so long, making excuses to myself and others that my behavior is justified? There is no excuse for it. In many ways, I’m still ten years old, throwing temper tantrums and putting up walls that no one else sees but me. It seems like people don’t even care any more about each other. If someone had done to me what I did, I would like to think that after I cooled off i would be able to ask them what was really going on, why they were so upset. I want to be that person, the one that people come to if they’re going thru hard times. Not for them to confide in me, but just to say,”I’m here and I care”.
On the same token, I want the same for myself. I know my friends care about me, but I’m not really sure if they would be there if I had a really bad day. If they would judge me or tell me what I should do. God knows I’m trying and today I had a breakthrough. I went looking for the guy I threw coffee on, on the verge of tears over what I did. I apologized and he did the most profound, unexpected thing. He said, “Do you need a hug?” I’m all about the hugs, so of course, I obliged. As we were hugging, He asked me if I was okay and I started sniffling. The sweet release of being forgiven.
After assuring him that I was crying happy tears, we went to our briefings. It made me think about all the things I’ve done that God has already forgiven. It makes me appreciate His sacrifice even more. Most of all, it reminds me that i can never allow myslef to go back to being bitter about life. I didn’t realize how bad I was, I was totally clueless. This is the path to healing. God is good, and it’s gonna be a long road.
I want so badly to tell my therapist of this, but she’s out of town on a mission trip. God has been so gracious to me, and I have been so ungrateful. Now I have to remember what I’ve been given. it can never be bought, nor can it be taken away. Now I have to fight the right way. I know there will be more tears and heartache, but they will strengthen me. I know I will fall, but I also have a support system to help me get back up. Life seems worth living again.
Some of this stuff seems so obvious now, yet I have new eyes to appreciate it. Did I mention God is good? I’ll close with the Beatitudes, which we’re studying in church. The attitudes we need to cultivate. I have to add that my pastor taght us that meekness is strength under control. I have been pondering this for three weeks, and I think I might be getting a grasp on it. God bless.
Matthew 5:3-10
3“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
9Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
10Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
