Well, where do I begin? Actually, where did I end? My week has been fine, yet now that the weekend is here, it’s sure to get better. I’ve committed to heavy prayer for it, as I sense You leading me in a direction I don’t want to go in. All the work I’ve done on my own will be rendered useless, and I may lose my mom’s love to boot. How do you tell your own mother that she had a huge part to play in a healing ministry that you may or may not work in, when she doesn’t believe anything ever happened.
I was molested as a child, by her boyfriend. A major thing for any kid to go thru, but add to it having to live in the same house with this person until you’re old enough to leave, biding your time, hoping it never happens again; not to you, not to your sisters. I’m not one for sharing this stuff, but I feel I have to. Everyone thinks they live in a good world, with good people, but ya need to wake up sometime.
There are people in the world who will use you, abuse you, and turn around and blame you, saying you brought it on yourself. Your family has many opportunities, and sometimes, they do it. I love my mom, and I have forgiven her and her boyfriend; it’s an almost-daily process. I don’t want to be involved in a ministry that deals with this everyday. Yes, I’m whining. I pray that I’m getting it wrong. I’ll be a chiropractor; I’ll be a farrier, God, I really don’t want to do this. I want to be on the good side, where everyone else is.
So many times, I’ve gone along willingly; I just don’t feel prepared to have my heart totally broken, but this is what you ask. Could it be that I just haven’t fully dealt with this, and You’re telling me to, or do You really want me to counsel these? I’m having such a hard time with this.
Now, the journal part:
I’ve always felt out of place, with the “normal” crowd; like I don’t belong. I’m sure I’d be appreciated in this ministry, it’s just my stupid pride. I don’t want people I have to look at everyday to know. I know it wasn’t my fault, and I don’t need their pitiful glances. I just want to be seen for me, not what I’ve been thru or a part of. Just me. Take it or leave it. All or nothing. Of course, that hardly is how even my friends see me.
I put my plans aside this weekend, Lord, and I seek Your will.
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Dear Sister…..I to am a survivor of childhood sexual assault. It is because of this entry my husband directed me to your blog. He is CapitalGGeek at wordpress.
God always takes us in a direction we usually don’t want to go in…..He wants to use you in a special way that only your experiences will allow.
After battleing much bitterness, anger and hatred….God finally brought me to a place where I had to embrace what was done to me….and Thank Him. I thanked God for everything and then asked HIM to use me in a way that would be pleasing to HIM….I asked God to help me to take all the pain and turn it into joy and give HIM the praise,honor and glory for what HE did for me.
I asked God to take my childhood and make something good come out of all that mess…..and as always….He did…..Every time I am able to help another dear sister or lady down the path to healing and share some of my journey…God get’s the glory for it……
He may be calling you to do something very difficult for you…but know that God will not call you to do something that HE will not provide the grace to see you thru……and yes…it is possible that it could cause a riff with your mother…..but you need to leave her up to God…He will take care of that for you……I lost my grandmother….she didn’t speak to me for over two years…She couldn’t face the guilt over what she had allowed to happen.
If God is calling you to this ministry……tis better for you to heed that calling and be in God’s perfect will and possibly loose the connection with your mother for awhile than to be out of GOD’s will and retain conversation with your mother…..You need to ask yourself if that is just your excuse for not wanting to work in this ministry.
Quite possibly…it sounds like you may have a little more work to do on your own healing…..How do you know that God hasn’t placed another person there,in this ministry, who will end up helping you instead…..God brought an awesome lady into my life who helped me in that way….who’s experiences mirrored my own. I in turn, have had lady’s brought into my life and have turned around and done what that lady did for me…..
God calling you to this ministry may be more for your benefit to bring you more healing than for you to have to share what you went thru…It is not always the case where I feel the need to open up and tell people what I have been thru….I leave that in God’s hands and try to follow His leading.
I will be praying with you over this matter….and if you ever just need a friend….you have my info…so feel free to get in touch with me
Ginger
Comment by Ginger February 25, 2007 @ 7:37 amOh Cool!!! I love the look of your blog…..where is this skin…and how did you do it? Can you upload your own picture for this?
Sorry…I got sidetracked…..Thank you for the message…I hope all goes well with the counseling. I just wanted to be encouraging to you…I never thought I would ever get married and have kids….and here I am married for 13 years with 3 children. My husband was a huge help to me.
Just know that God can greatly use you…..and sometimes…God will call you to something to see if you are willing to be used…just keep your heart open to HIM….Leave me a message anytime…..I’ll be praying for you….
A Sister in Christ…..
Comment by gingerporter February 25, 2007 @ 4:04 pmOh I liked the one with the 4 columns….this is pretty to…but I liked the layout…You should create a page like I did for people who just want to say hi….
Comment by gingerporter February 25, 2007 @ 4:10 pmYou go into your dashboard….then click on WRITE…that will open to sub categories…one is write post…the other is write page….You create the page this way.
These are static pages….Depending on this skin You may have to leave a message to get the page to stay open…some work that way and some don’t…You can also just set up a category the same way….If you do it as a category…You will HAVE to leave a message so the category shows up on the list. The ABOUT section on your blog is a static page…I set up different pages just playing around…..I have alot of friends that like to visit but not necessarily leave a message on a blog post.
Let me know if you can get it to work….
Comment by gingerporter February 25, 2007 @ 4:27 pmIf you go to presentation….the TARSKI skin will let you upload your own picture to use as a header.
I had that one but wanted the availability of more than just two columns.
It was very easy to do and looks nice…I knew there was one that would let you do that but I couldn’t rember which one it was.
Comment by gingerporter February 25, 2007 @ 4:40 pm