Filed under: Angela's Journal
So, began therapy Tuesday, got a book from the therapist, The Family Crucible. Nothing really heart-shattering happened with either.
Wednesday, took the day off to work on, by far, my unruliest horse, which I’m not quite sure why I continue to work with. I love her owners; that’s gonna be my excuse. So, I did that, found a nail in her frog, and realized I was really tired. Then I noticed this horrible cough I had. I was sure it was from the tea my acupuncturist gave me to clear out my lungs, so I went on a short hike, got totally winded, and went home. 2 hours of community service, home again, bed. Woke up about every hour from coughing so hard.
Thursday, Woke up right before the alarm, still coughing, but feeling able to conquer the world. Get to work and, only when my nose starts running, do I realize I’ve gotten the flu. I don’t mind the cough, but I work with food, and it’s just wrong to expose others to this junk, especially with food. So my boss won’t let me go home, evn though I’ve rubbed my lip raw in trying to contain the flood, He asks, ” Are you really that bad off? I have too many people going home, already.” This was a total lie, and the sad part is he says this to all that aren’t his favored few. Sadder still, He’s also a Christian. Anyway, I was right at the point where it was too funny to fight him, so I just went back to work. I was too tired. About ten minutes later, he let me go. Acupuncture and Chiropractor, teas and formulas, and pills. Lots of rest.
Friday was a total wash. I stayed in bed til noon, and went back and forth after that, from bed to bathroom, watched a movie. I did learn how much I can drink without having to get up and go, and I also learned that you have to stretch once in a while. 16 hours of bedrest does wonders.
Saturday, Here I come to clean the day! Bathroom, laundry separated, dishes done, vaccuumed. Hey, no runny nose. WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!
Today, catch up on e-mail, and blog. Clean office. Read more.
Filed under: Letters to God
When everything falls down, including me, You’re still the One who’s in control. This week, You’ve shown me the beauty of Your love in that, when I use self-control, and refuse to doubt, You will carry me thru. I’m not sure how many of these experiences I can handle, but You showed me not to trust in myself for what You’re doing in my life. It’s all You.
I’ve followed thru on where You’re leading, and have been blessed with Your comfort, even though it was hard. The support system that You’ve given me is awesome. John & Cara, Dave & Scarlet, and myself, Denver. March 17th.
I was talking to Joel today about how most American Christians don’t revere You like they should but, instead see You as a cosmic vending machine. You are THE Most High Holy God, not a genie in a bottle. You cannot be contained, watered down, made common by our simple minds. You are indescribable. Your love is limited only by our acceptance of it.
I ask for clarity on the call, further support thru following thru {did I say I was having a tough time?}, and discernment on what to follow up on. I pray for Your protection over the RevChurch camp, and open eyes and hearts for what You’ve called them to do. I ask for Your protection over my friends, that they would know that they can count on me. I pray for healing in the House clan, strength in ClubLozano, and ZerbaDerba; it’s been a long road there, also.
As always, I pray that You’re healing encompass me to do what You have called me to do, and the perseverance to get thru the slumps, even when I have no energy. I don’t know how Bruce is doing, but I ask that You continue to provide healing in his life and a good leader to show him how to live out his faith. That being said, I ask also that a Christian couple would step up to mentor Bob and Bev, and they would accept what You call them to say. I ask that You use me and I would be totally open to Your will. {You know I have a stubborn streak, too}
Thank You for the little things, like being able to see and hear, that are so major. Every sunrise that I see thru Mitch’s windows reminds me that I don’t have it so bad. When somebody I work with actually stops and listens after “How are you?” to hear the response. God, mostly I praise You because, even though it’s been rough, You are here. You did not create and desert us. You didn’t leave me to my own devices to slowly destroy myself. Even though I may not be the most loved person, I know what’s right and it’s You who gives me strength to do it. You have the best in mind for me, even when I don’t want it. Sometimes I don’t want to be nice, but I choose to because You love me. Sometimes, I don’t want to share, but I do it to show Your love. Thank You for You. Thank You for the Cross, for sending your only Son into my life.
Well, where do I begin? Actually, where did I end? My week has been fine, yet now that the weekend is here, it’s sure to get better. I’ve committed to heavy prayer for it, as I sense You leading me in a direction I don’t want to go in. All the work I’ve done on my own will be rendered useless, and I may lose my mom’s love to boot. How do you tell your own mother that she had a huge part to play in a healing ministry that you may or may not work in, when she doesn’t believe anything ever happened.
I was molested as a child, by her boyfriend. A major thing for any kid to go thru, but add to it having to live in the same house with this person until you’re old enough to leave, biding your time, hoping it never happens again; not to you, not to your sisters. I’m not one for sharing this stuff, but I feel I have to. Everyone thinks they live in a good world, with good people, but ya need to wake up sometime.
There are people in the world who will use you, abuse you, and turn around and blame you, saying you brought it on yourself. Your family has many opportunities, and sometimes, they do it. I love my mom, and I have forgiven her and her boyfriend; it’s an almost-daily process. I don’t want to be involved in a ministry that deals with this everyday. Yes, I’m whining. I pray that I’m getting it wrong. I’ll be a chiropractor; I’ll be a farrier, God, I really don’t want to do this. I want to be on the good side, where everyone else is.
So many times, I’ve gone along willingly; I just don’t feel prepared to have my heart totally broken, but this is what you ask. Could it be that I just haven’t fully dealt with this, and You’re telling me to, or do You really want me to counsel these? I’m having such a hard time with this.
Now, the journal part:
I’ve always felt out of place, with the “normal” crowd; like I don’t belong. I’m sure I’d be appreciated in this ministry, it’s just my stupid pride. I don’t want people I have to look at everyday to know. I know it wasn’t my fault, and I don’t need their pitiful glances. I just want to be seen for me, not what I’ve been thru or a part of. Just me. Take it or leave it. All or nothing. Of course, that hardly is how even my friends see me.
I put my plans aside this weekend, Lord, and I seek Your will.
