Filed under: Letters to God
It’s been over a month since I last planned to quit smoking. I was almost there. Honestly, I do enjoy it. I know I’m enslaved to a plant; I know I’m addicted, as much as any crackhead. I’m not one for excuses, so I won’t even try. I just pray for my sanity as I lean on you, because I can’t do it. My hope is in You alone.
You see the changes in my life, the people I deal with, the things I consider trials; You see it all. I don’t ask for You to change these things; I ask You to change me. Strengthen my shoulders to bear the weight. When I start trying to control things, remind me that it’s all in Your hands, not mine. I know others have worse troubles than I think I do, and I pray for Your strength in them, too. You are holy, all-encompassing, all-knowing, and great and mighty enough to save us from ourselves. Deliver us from evil. In Jesus’ name. Amen
I give You my relationships, as I may have ruined them all. I have never felt so empty as I did this year. Christmas season opened my eyes. God, I don’t understand how I can try so hard to develop friendships and feel fruitless in them. Even within my family, I seem to be on the outskirts of a clique that I will never be a part of. What is so appalling about being open and honest with others? Not to the point of being mean or rude, but at least a certain amount of it. What’s the big deal about telling friends that you miss them? Or a kiss on the cheek? No wonder marriages don’t last here; I celebrate every one that has lasted past the annulment period. Anyway, I guess that’s my spiel for today.
So, this is Christmas. Apparently, I spread cheer like a canker sore. I’m not sure that’s spelled right, but who cares? Who cares that Jesus died for us, as long as there are presents under the tree to make God’s sacrifice meaningless? Who cares that more people believe in Santa Claus than God, oh, except when there are catastrophes? Then God is real, and He abandoned us, right? Oh, that’s right, if God doesn’t do anything for us, why should we care about Him? I mean He only cherishes evry soul on the planet. He only lets us go thru struggles so that He can deliver us from ourselves.
So, this year, it’s God’s Christmas for me. I’m dog-sitting for some friends, so I’m just gonna stay at their house and spend it with a deaf dog, and my Bible. Time with God is never wasted. I’ll update when on my sisters’ visits when I get back. I don’t even know if Jennifer is out of the state, yet. All in all, it was a good visit. I guess that’s it for now.
Thank you, God, for understanding me when people would just rather hate me. Thank you for the time I get to spend away from home for a few days. God, thank you that it’s not Christmas every day, when people put on their fake smiles, and act cheerful, when they’re falling apart. Thank you for your sacrifice and love. Grow me as I seek to know you more.
Filed under: Letters to God
The things I’ve been blessed with recently Have been numerous, so I might miss somethings here, but here goes:
1. I have seen a church grow to more than twice it’s original size in a year. Although we’ve had people come and go, God has always provided for us.
2. We may start an orphan care program soon. This is huge for such a small church, but especially for me, because I’ve always had a heart for orphans and adoption.
3. I’ve finally realized that I’ve been a slave to a plant. I’ve decided to quit smoking, again, having found this ridiculous. Also, since I’m down to one a day, there’s no point.
4. My sisters will be here in a week. Awesome! Another way to keep from smoking.
5. I got to spend time with many friends thru phone and actual contact. They all have encouraged me. Love is an awesome thing.
6. My roommate is going to China. I love her, but I need a break; yet another way to keep from smoking.
7. I have seen witnessed God moving in many people’s lives, especially in the courage department.
8. I got in touch with an old friend from high school and look forward to catching up.
9. I had no idea how rewarding it would be to do follow-up calls for our prayer meetings, but they have already become a huge blessing.
10. I’m going to Chiropractic College in a little over a year. East Coast and family. YAY! OCEAN!
In summary, my life is such a blessing, and I have been depending on God more and more. He has shown Himself more faithful than I could have imagined.
So, this is what it’s like to trust You. Thank You, God.
Filed under: Letters to God
There’s a song by this name that has always resonated with me. The sad fact is that my parents have been legally separated for twenty-odd years, still not divorced. The song is about the effects of divorce onkids, much like Everclear’s “Wonderful”. These two songs make me cry, but not today. I just thought of it when I did the title.
Today, it was a guy at work, and I don’t know why I can’t get over it. We’ve hardly ever got along well, but this time, I was really just heartsick. I was trying to pay him a compliment and it went sour. He started yelling and cussing at me, and I couldn’t help crying. Of course, he apologized later. The reason I cried was not because I was hurt, but that I wanted to punch the living daylights out of him. In that, I could see people pulling me off of him, because a lot of rage would’ve been in that beating.
I have been a Christian for 4 years now, and still I struggle with anger. I’m mad that my parents didn’t stay together; I’m upset in my mom’s choices after that; I’m livid that I didn’t have the courage to stand up for myself and neither did my mom have the courage to protect my sisters and I. She sold us down the river for a skank, a man so vile that I was tempted to shoot him with his own gun. I have to say only God’s hand stopped me when I tried.
God, I don’t want to be angry anymore. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I especially don’t want to hurt anyone else. I’m afraid that one day, I’ll snap. I don’t want to live like this. I want to be a good example, yet everytime I turn around, I haev to deal with one or many of these issues.
On the upbeat, usually I’m the one who scratches people’s backs at work, literally. Today, one of the new folk gave me one, and oh, how I enjoyed it. It dulled the pain a bit. So, I think I’ll end here for today. Here’s Lyrics to the songs.
Wonderful
“Hey, ain’t life wonderful? Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful… Isn’t it wonderful now?”
I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it’s over when I open them
I want the things that I had before
Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again
Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that make me wanna cry
Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday
Chorus:
Promises mean everything when you’re little
And the world’s so big
I just don’t understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now
I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that it’s all okay
I laugh aloud so my friends won’t know
When the bell rings I just don’t wanna go home
Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I don’t believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday
Chorus
No, I don’t wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
No
No, I don’t wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
I don’t wanna hear you say
That I will understand someday
No, no, no, no
I don’t wanna hear you say
You both have grown in a different way
No, no, no, no
I don’t wanna meet your friends
And I don’t wanna start over again
I just want my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Some days I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything
Please don’t tell me everything is wonderful now…
I don’t wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
Faster Pussycat – House Of Pain Lyrics
It's a little past supper time I'm still out on the porch step sittin' on my behind, Waiting for you. Wondrin' if everything's alright, Moma said,"Come in boy, don't waste your time," I said,"I've got time. Well he'll be here soon." Five years old and talkin' to myself. Where were you? Where'd ya go? Daddy can't you tell? Chorus. I'm not tryin' to fake it, and I ain't the one to blame. No, there's no one home in my house of pain. I didn't write these pages and my script's been re-arranged. No, there's no one home in my house of pain. Wasn't I worth the time? A boy needs a daddy like a dance to mime and all the time, Ilooked up to you. I paced my room a million times. And all I ever got was one big line, the same old lie. How could you? Well I was eighteen and still talkin' to myself. Where were you? Where'd ya go? Daddy can't ya tell?
So, then, I found my entry for january 22, 2006.
How quickly I need reminding...
As i was feeling sorry for myself because The Neighborhood Connection project didn’t go well, I got a call.First, the details that made me upset:
It was snowing. It had snowed most of the night into this morning. The houses on my route were nicely decorated, obviously made to look cheerful for the holidays, to let the neighbors know that they were happy and joyful and full of the spirit. I had watched most of my neighbors spend days on decorating. As I was full of that feeling that you know you’re doing something great for others, I got rejection after rejection, until I reached the last house.
The last neighbor’s donation helped to soften the blow, but it still was upsetting that my labor was mostly in vain. And i was cold. I just read a chapter of a book that said “We tend to run away from pain in our lives, instead of letting God use the pain for His purpose.” I was determined not to let it get me down, to work thru it somehow. So I shoveled the driveway. Since I was there, I shoveled around the mailbox, trying to make it easier for the mailman and the neighbors to get to. Finally, some comfort. I would do something for them, regardless of their attitudes towards me or the church.
As I was shoveling, I realized that I had not yet purchased anything to donate, so how could I be so hard on them? My heart softened a little more. My brother called to move my niece’s birthday shin-dig back ’til tomorrow. One step back. Had a nice conversation with the mailman, who is quite resemblant of Saint Nick, which is funny, cuz he bore the gift of a check. Two steps forward. So, I was just OK at that point.
Then, the call…
A lady that formerly attended my church calls to ask me to dog-sit for her over Christmas. For $125! It’s not the money, but it does help. The fact that I can actually see where my help is needed and do something about it is fantastic, plus she’s saving on kennel costs since she has two dogs.
Thank You, Lord, once again, for comforting me and blessing me. I have much that can’t be expressed in words, yet is screaming to be let out. I want to shout from the rooftops,”See, I am helpful, I am useful! God uses the foolish things to shame the wise.” Ahhh.
And now, a little story:
The gardener tells the rose of it’s beauty, the blushing of it’s petals , the sweet fragrance, the joy in watching it grow. The rose replies,”Yes, but all I see is the thorns. I long to be held and caressed, as my friends, the daisy and the sunflower.” “But, you are the most beautiful flower in the garden!”, replies the gardener.” All the other flowers want to be like you, treasured and precious.”
“And never touched” the rose says forlornly. “Those thorns are for your protection, that you will not be stripped of your beauty by any passing by, looking for a treat.”he says, trying to comfort his lovely friend. “Please, please, take them away, as only you know how.”" Then what will you have for protection?” the gardener asked. The reply came, soft and slow.”I…don’t…care.” So, the gardener did the only thing he could do.
He cut the rose, thorns and all, fashioning them into attachments, and he held the rose next to his heart for the rest of her days. The rose eventually withered, but she never felt more beautiful than when she was there.
I don’t know how I could write something so fitting to me right now. When everything else falls away, I am beautiful in God’s sight.
Filed under: Letters to God
Thank you, God, that You made me for a purpose and not to trip around in the darkness. Thank you for protecting us from destruction. Thank you for the friendships that are building because of our love for you.
Thank you for Mark-who always provided for me without holding it over my head.
Thank you for Ken-I am amazed at how much he’s grown this year.
Bruce-who has shown me what perseverance looks like.
Jap and Jo-the total picture of marriage.
Bruce S-conspiracy theorist turned warrior for God.
The people who develop patience in me.
Zoie and Zaida- my little Erins; so different, yet both so Erin.
Thank you, God, for choosing me, even though I haven’t realized what for, yet.
This is an update of the Angela network.
In ministry news, I am now in charge of follow-up on our Prayer Requests. I will follow that up with times to pray for them. Our church is participating in Neighborhood Connections, and I have 11 homes to visit tomorrow, after breakfast with the Bruce, who I haven’t seen in quite a few months.
Prayer requests:
Underlying all these requests is that God’s will be done.
The health of Cathi and her baby, who is probably a few hours old right now.
The health of the Martinez clan. The health of the House clan. The health of pretty much everyone at Revelation.
The replacement of our Children’s Director; should I try to fill the gap or just teach?
Our Outreach Programs: Neighborhood Connections, Outpost Groups, and possible International Outreach.
My place in God’s will.
Numbers 6:24The LORD bless you and keep you;
25the LORD make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you;
26the LORD lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.
