Ministry, Work, Love, and Life

    So, I learned something new today. According to a Uof Florida study, the more trauma you have in your life, the more piercings you have. I wonder if it also applies to tattoos. So, there’s the deep thought for the day.Ramblings…

     I’m considering taking a job overseas for a few months, just to appreciate the freedom I have. I wonder if I’m just one of those people, unlike most, that are addicted to change; apparently, most people hate change.

     I start community service next week, cleaning a church. I thought I would have to give up my weekends for this, but asluck would have it, I can do the time after work, and it’s close to the house. So, $500 later, I’ve learned never to trust someone else to follow thru, no matter how many times you remind them. 

   As so many thoughts crowd my brain, I wonder what the purpose of them is. For example, what sound does a crying dove make? Why do I get mad at little things, yet allow big things to happen without a second thought? Is anything I think useful? Do I make a difference?  Why are people nice to me when I’m a jerk?  Am I living for God? Why doesn’t He stop me from smoking? What am I doing wrong? Why do people settle? Why can’t I be normal? Am I really as wierd as people say? When did I start caring about what others think? What constitutes a friend?Alright, that’s enough.

   I went in to work today, much like any other Friday, just glad that I woke up on time. Shortly after arriving, one of the guys pulled me aside and told me that Mr. Obsession tried to follow me out of the parking lot yesterday. Ok, in case anyone’s wondering, I am not, by any definition, hot; I have not led this guy on and I try to get along with him. That being said, in his attempt, he almost caused an accident. The guy who pulled me aside offered to follow me home, just to be safe, since he lives around the corner from me. I don’t know what to make out of all of this. I know this guy is pretty unhinged, but stalking?

    I’ve never been so scared in my life. Or confused. What should I do? Last week, some kids stole a bunch of stuff out of my car, and a neighbor found some of it strewn down the road. My response to this was to get my stuff and check my car for what was missing, grateful that it wasn’t stolen. The solution was easy:start locking the car, evn if there’s nothing of value in it. How do I deal with some guy that I work with acting this way? I can’t live my life in fear again. I do remember these feelings, from so long ago, a preoccupation of whether life was worth living. I know as a Christian, I should not worry; in my head I know, but my heart is so troubled. The last time I was able to be a carefree person was when I was 10 years old. More questions…

     Is there a purpose in all of this? Will I end up like my mom, settling for a self-centered, immature victim mentality? God, I release all of these feelings to you, I don’t know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?  I can’t go thru this again. Does anyone besides you understand? Why doesn’t this mountain move? Have I not dealt with the issues the right way? Okay, the laundry’s done.