Ministry, Work, Love, and Life

it must be a cow.Yes, I know, very profound. So now comes the picking up of the pieces. The friendship remains as is. Still debating on whether I should see other people or not, but I won’t have to worry about that just yet. I don’t even know that I could. I prefer to be friends with someone before we go down that road. It seems I have burnt all my bridges without even trying. This sucks, because i am very relational in nature, yet most of the past friends are not. This begs the question of “Was it a choice or a lack of options?” I try to assure myself that i couldn’t love anyone more than this man. Then the drama begins to unfold.

   We have a new guy at work, well not new, but new to our shift, and though he has said nothing, everyone else tells me that he has an interest/obsession in my direction. Not a big deal, because he hasn’t said anything, and I’m not interested.  As if that’s not enough, one of my friends tells me there’s a secret admirer somewhere. Given the dynamic of my work relationships, I find it hard to believe. Even so, what’s the point of being a secret admirer? Does it give someone a feeling of power because you don’t know? Guys are weird.

  As for the rest of the time I haven’t filled in…

                         I have had various feelings of helplessness/hopelessness in life concerning Erin, which I found out at the “Fearless” premier that has somehow gone on to the girls. Weird, because I haven’t seen or talked to them for a couple weeks.

                       Our church went to Estes Park for our one year anniversary, and though the scenery was beautiful, it seemed gray and numb, because I was gray and numb.  i couldn’t do anything, couldn’t talk to anyone, and pretty much just wanted to cry the whole time. Even close friends were untouchable to me. All I could do was smile weakly, and tell them I was fine. Yet, I wasn’t. Now, this is the part where I should say God helped me thru it. Don’t get me wrong, God is faithful and just, but for us to grow, sometimes we have to take steps in faith. So, I talked with the pastor’s wife about what I was and still am dealing with, and she helped me thru that particular section of life. So, over the weekend, I told my big secrets and got the expected reaction from people, and regretted it many times since then.

                  Also, in that weekend, Mark’s grandma died, and Martha went to Texas for a few days. During this time, Mark did well with the girls. We went to see Fearless and caught up yesterday.

                 As for the specifics on my dilemma, I won’t go into it, except it was almost 15 years ago, originally, and I haven’t spoken of these things in 5 years, nor have I dealt with them since. Now, I am waiting for a friend of my roommates to come out so I can tell her how knowing God helps me deal with the pain. She has written a book on the subject, and thru the book, my feelings of hatred and shame have resurfaced. I have to read it only when I don’t plan on sleeeping so I don’t have nightmares.

            Similarly, at work, there’s a ledge that drops about 50 feet from where our breaks are.  I sat there, looking over and praying for God to take away the feelings, so I wouldn’t jump.  I have not had suicidal feelings since, well, a very long time ago. I am not depressed, I love life, and i am very blessed. Yet, I stood on the ledge, contemplating the probability that I could die if I so chose to, that God could not possibly love me, that I was not worth all the favor He has poured out on me, focusing on the green{was it green?}, supergreen grass that might keep me from uttering a last breath. Then, I got down. I saw color in the grass.Life was not gray anymore, but full of vigor and color. I have many who love me, and I really had to9 concentrate and cry out to God that I know He’s real, and I wished He would make His presence known.

        Well’ I work in a public place, and couldn’t hide the tears, nor the fact that my heart was ripping open and spilling all over the floor. See Hamlet, and the King’s wife. No matter how hard she tried, the blood was, in her eyes, a permanent stain. All at once, the waterworks were on full blast and I couldn’t see, yet I continued to work thru them. I heard a voice behind me and unashamed, I turned around, recognizing the beautiful voice of one of the cooks. After we talked, I told him how much I appreciated the time he took, but I couldn’t tell him, nor anyone reading this, the details. Of all the people in my life, it was a stranger that God sent to comfort me. Still, I have to work the issues, but I know now what it feels like when God withdraws. My faith grows, I have to continue the work, and the wounds are starting to itch. A true sign of healing.