Filed under: Angela's Journal
So, I learned something new today. According to a Uof Florida study, the more trauma you have in your life, the more piercings you have. I wonder if it also applies to tattoos. So, there’s the deep thought for the day.Ramblings…
I’m considering taking a job overseas for a few months, just to appreciate the freedom I have. I wonder if I’m just one of those people, unlike most, that are addicted to change; apparently, most people hate change.
I start community service next week, cleaning a church. I thought I would have to give up my weekends for this, but asluck would have it, I can do the time after work, and it’s close to the house. So, $500 later, I’ve learned never to trust someone else to follow thru, no matter how many times you remind them.
As so many thoughts crowd my brain, I wonder what the purpose of them is. For example, what sound does a crying dove make? Why do I get mad at little things, yet allow big things to happen without a second thought? Is anything I think useful? Do I make a difference? Why are people nice to me when I’m a jerk? Am I living for God? Why doesn’t He stop me from smoking? What am I doing wrong? Why do people settle? Why can’t I be normal? Am I really as wierd as people say? When did I start caring about what others think? What constitutes a friend?Alright, that’s enough.
I went in to work today, much like any other Friday, just glad that I woke up on time. Shortly after arriving, one of the guys pulled me aside and told me that Mr. Obsession tried to follow me out of the parking lot yesterday. Ok, in case anyone’s wondering, I am not, by any definition, hot; I have not led this guy on and I try to get along with him. That being said, in his attempt, he almost caused an accident. The guy who pulled me aside offered to follow me home, just to be safe, since he lives around the corner from me. I don’t know what to make out of all of this. I know this guy is pretty unhinged, but stalking?
I’ve never been so scared in my life. Or confused. What should I do? Last week, some kids stole a bunch of stuff out of my car, and a neighbor found some of it strewn down the road. My response to this was to get my stuff and check my car for what was missing, grateful that it wasn’t stolen. The solution was easy:start locking the car, evn if there’s nothing of value in it. How do I deal with some guy that I work with acting this way? I can’t live my life in fear again. I do remember these feelings, from so long ago, a preoccupation of whether life was worth living. I know as a Christian, I should not worry; in my head I know, but my heart is so troubled. The last time I was able to be a carefree person was when I was 10 years old. More questions…
Is there a purpose in all of this? Will I end up like my mom, settling for a self-centered, immature victim mentality? God, I release all of these feelings to you, I don’t know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? I can’t go thru this again. Does anyone besides you understand? Why doesn’t this mountain move? Have I not dealt with the issues the right way? Okay, the laundry’s done.
Filed under: Uncategorized
it must be a cow.Yes, I know, very profound. So now comes the picking up of the pieces. The friendship remains as is. Still debating on whether I should see other people or not, but I won’t have to worry about that just yet. I don’t even know that I could. I prefer to be friends with someone before we go down that road. It seems I have burnt all my bridges without even trying. This sucks, because i am very relational in nature, yet most of the past friends are not. This begs the question of “Was it a choice or a lack of options?” I try to assure myself that i couldn’t love anyone more than this man. Then the drama begins to unfold.
We have a new guy at work, well not new, but new to our shift, and though he has said nothing, everyone else tells me that he has an interest/obsession in my direction. Not a big deal, because he hasn’t said anything, and I’m not interested. As if that’s not enough, one of my friends tells me there’s a secret admirer somewhere. Given the dynamic of my work relationships, I find it hard to believe. Even so, what’s the point of being a secret admirer? Does it give someone a feeling of power because you don’t know? Guys are weird.
As for the rest of the time I haven’t filled in…
I have had various feelings of helplessness/hopelessness in life concerning Erin, which I found out at the “Fearless” premier that has somehow gone on to the girls. Weird, because I haven’t seen or talked to them for a couple weeks.
Our church went to Estes Park for our one year anniversary, and though the scenery was beautiful, it seemed gray and numb, because I was gray and numb. i couldn’t do anything, couldn’t talk to anyone, and pretty much just wanted to cry the whole time. Even close friends were untouchable to me. All I could do was smile weakly, and tell them I was fine. Yet, I wasn’t. Now, this is the part where I should say God helped me thru it. Don’t get me wrong, God is faithful and just, but for us to grow, sometimes we have to take steps in faith. So, I talked with the pastor’s wife about what I was and still am dealing with, and she helped me thru that particular section of life. So, over the weekend, I told my big secrets and got the expected reaction from people, and regretted it many times since then.
Also, in that weekend, Mark’s grandma died, and Martha went to Texas for a few days. During this time, Mark did well with the girls. We went to see Fearless and caught up yesterday.
As for the specifics on my dilemma, I won’t go into it, except it was almost 15 years ago, originally, and I haven’t spoken of these things in 5 years, nor have I dealt with them since. Now, I am waiting for a friend of my roommates to come out so I can tell her how knowing God helps me deal with the pain. She has written a book on the subject, and thru the book, my feelings of hatred and shame have resurfaced. I have to read it only when I don’t plan on sleeeping so I don’t have nightmares.
Similarly, at work, there’s a ledge that drops about 50 feet from where our breaks are. I sat there, looking over and praying for God to take away the feelings, so I wouldn’t jump. I have not had suicidal feelings since, well, a very long time ago. I am not depressed, I love life, and i am very blessed. Yet, I stood on the ledge, contemplating the probability that I could die if I so chose to, that God could not possibly love me, that I was not worth all the favor He has poured out on me, focusing on the green{was it green?}, supergreen grass that might keep me from uttering a last breath. Then, I got down. I saw color in the grass.Life was not gray anymore, but full of vigor and color. I have many who love me, and I really had to9 concentrate and cry out to God that I know He’s real, and I wished He would make His presence known.
Well’ I work in a public place, and couldn’t hide the tears, nor the fact that my heart was ripping open and spilling all over the floor. See Hamlet, and the King’s wife. No matter how hard she tried, the blood was, in her eyes, a permanent stain. All at once, the waterworks were on full blast and I couldn’t see, yet I continued to work thru them. I heard a voice behind me and unashamed, I turned around, recognizing the beautiful voice of one of the cooks. After we talked, I told him how much I appreciated the time he took, but I couldn’t tell him, nor anyone reading this, the details. Of all the people in my life, it was a stranger that God sent to comfort me. Still, I have to work the issues, but I know now what it feels like when God withdraws. My faith grows, I have to continue the work, and the wounds are starting to itch. A true sign of healing.
Seriously, is it? Can you even call it love? What about unrequited love? Do we tend to love only those who love us, or is it posiible to get past that? If your friend is “interested” in you, do you not return their calls if you don’t feel the same; do you just attempt to leave it alone? Is the friendship stronger than that? Is it worth trying to salvage the friendship without going into that? Honestly, these are my questions.
While I try not to assume anything in not hearing from the person in question, it’s difficult. Especially when the reply is just to set a date to talk thru it, not a commitment either way. I guess the real questions are can I handle his answer when he gives it, and where do we go from there. As unhappy as it would make most people that know me, I don’t care. Apparently he doesn’t deserve what I give, but they don’t know what I’ve put him thru. Ya know what, scratch that, we’re about even. Well, not anymore, but at least I didn’t ask him in front of his other friends or try to find out from someone else.
Relationships are hard enough without trying for drama. Now I wonder if I did the right thing in telling him. While others assure me that, “At least you know the answer”, “You won’t wonder later”, and other great quips such as that, what if he decides that our friendship isn’t even worth it. I mean, we just started talking again. So, while i pick up the pieces and wait ’til I know all the damage is done, How are you, world?
As far as prayer goes, that God shows me purpose beyond myself, that my life be centered around Him, and that I’ll be able to visit my family for Thanksgiving. God bless.
