How can you feel so loved and unloved at the same time? While I know and feel very grateful that God loves me, and I know He is supposed to come first in my life, this has been a struggle. I look at all these people around me, and I can’t help but wonder, “Why?”
How is it that people who don’t really even think about God, let alone care, find love, however shallow it may be; and not that it really matters, because they think it’s love, it is love? Someone actually asked me why “someone like me” isn’t married yet. Besides the initial usual answer,” If I wanted to play games, I have parcheesi at home”, I should have asked what, “someone like me” meant. Especially from someone who has two kids and isn’t married, either.
Meanwhile, a few of my friends are all having problems with their relationships. Which led to my oh so smart, yet not thought out quip to my boss, ” And you ask why I’m single?” He asked me what I meant by it. Let me explain it this way.
You love your significant other so deeply, you can’t fathom living without them. You decide one day to visit at their place of employment, to which you walk up on the person bashing you profusely on everything you do, everything you say, just everything.
I don’t want to be that person. Not because I don’t want to be bashed, but I want to believe that their would be more respect in a relationship than that. Someone who treats me the same whether I’m around or not. It hurts me to see these people bash the one thing I don’t have, and maybe never will. To see people my age realize that the chances of finding love are very slim, because what you learn from the elders is, given the chance, they wouldn’t have ever gotten married.
I don’t want to be the one that has a relationship that is treated with such contempt as to say that it was a joke, again. To cause a feeling in another person that they can’t talk to me honestly and still be loved. Love is sacred when you can find it, whether it be between friends, parent and child, husband and wife, whatever.
Unrequitted love? Ouch. I have friends that I love very much. Wouldn’t get romantically involved with them, but I love them. When I start to show it, in any circumstance, they tend to get a bit leary of me. They don’t say anything, they just kinda, for lack of a better way, retreat into their shells. Which is why I wouldn’t get involved with them. Funny that if they asked why, I would say, “Because I love you”, to which, I’m sure they would just turn tail and run for lack of comprehending in which sense I meant it.
And on this note, my home life is improving since my brother’s mom has been going to a woman’s group. Staying home all the time is not healthy. Now, I have to go to our, “Family meeting” You can’t imagine how excited I really am about this. It’s taken forever to get it implemented.
Maybe I can get my car looked at today, too!! Maybe.
Filed under: ministryupdate
Not often does anyone know of me saying this, but I am. I’ve had these leadings that I am no longer not just gonna be moving out of Mark’s house, but possibly out of the country. I only want to put it down to see if anything comes of it.
I was talking to my pastor’s wife a few weeks ago, and upon asking her about our outreach programs, found out we may start missions soon. Of course, we all know what soon and God together mean. Keeping the options open, though.
I’m not so much scared of leaving the country or my stuff, or even selling all my stuff, I just don’t want to be prepared and wait forever. I also don’t want to leave my friends and family, as most of them aren’t great at keeping in touch. Neither am I. My computer is not my world. Yeah, I may soon get rid of it, also. Oy.
Filed under: ministryupdate
A new breakthrough!! While this will take time, I’m working on being the person God wants me to be. I recently realized that I have been slipping further and further into wordliness, when a Christian co-worker was invited to a “pleasures” party and accepted. Before I could say anything, I had to check my attitude. So, being high and mighty as I was, I decided to ask her why she would go to these things. BTW, for those who don’t know, it’s a sex toys party.
Of course, later I was convicted of the Cowboys thing, and what might have happened. Had my boss not been as gentlemanly as he was, or the other guy, or if I decided to go on a binge;let’s just say there won’t be a “next time”
This is where the Berliner guy comes in. He had a sore throat when we went to Cowboys, but said he was fine. Then, he gets a call and says he has to pick up his friend, who lives 10 miles away. Dude never comes back, doesn’t come to work for a few days, and then practically kills me on Friday. Not to mention the awkwardness that seemed to eminate from him all night. Ich liebe es.
After he settled down a bit at work, and realized I wasn’t mad at him, just curious as to his condition, things went better. Meanwhile, bossman calls me shark, in reference to my pool skills, which are obviously non-existent, if Greg was gonna teach me to play. Basically, he set up every shot for me, and he still won. Oy, still fun though, minus the girls.
Filed under: Angela's Journal
This is what it says on the side of the McD’s coffee cup. I very infrequently stop here, but this is my latest musing. Careful. I’m hot. Yea, Ich bin Berliner. Had to work it in, somewhere. My Berliner friend almost got me killed on Friday morning. His first day back after, apparently, being quite ill. More in the Work section.
So, Saturday’s are sleep in and worship days. Absolutely no work, working out, or working on anything. Yet, these are the most fruitful days. As I sit with God, I get ideas or affirmations on ideas that I had during the week. Even before I was a believer, I had an idea that kept recurring, like the castle dream. While I don’t have much detail on it, two things remain: the homeless and food. Anyway, that’s that. Also, got a leading for a Smokeless Karoake Hangout; I won’t say bar, cuz I’m not sure about the liquor part, either. Realized that when someone says Karoake, you assume drinking/bar/smoking.
Which is partly why my social life is cut short. I know there are plenty of Christian things to do around here; they’re just not on my time, or involve fanatics. I say fanatic, and I’m talking about a Karoake place without smoke. Haha. When I finally took someone at work up on going to Cowboys, it did not go well at all. We had fun, but I relapsed on not smoking because I thought I had it under control. Yeah, right.
Now, half of our crew, which includes people I don’t care for, wants to go. Guess who’s staying home on Fridays again. It’s kinda hard, seeing as one of the guys offered to teach me how to play pool, and I accepted. Of course, I forgot to get his number so I could tell him I wasn’t going. And I’m not paying a cover charge just to do so. Anyway, that’s the end of that.
Filed under: Angela's Journal
Thought this was kinda cute until I found out he really shot someone.
Filed under: Angela's Journal
God, help me stay strong. I’m just gonna say it’s been a day. I should have stayed in bed last night. By the way, Happy freakin Valentine’s Day. Woo hoo
