Ministry, Work, Love, and Life

Someone needs to explain to me how these losers get away with the things they do. I’m sorry, if you’re in a relationship, where you “love” the other person, and it’s serious, and all that good pack of lies, why would you come onto someone else?

Do people really think this is a good way to live? My goodness! I am so tired of being approached by these guys, who not only have kids, don’t have a problem that they’re from however many girls, and expect me to be on board with their crap. Sure, babe, because you’ve been so faithful to all your baby’s momma’s, lemme just hop in bed with you, ‘cuz it’s such a turn-on. What kind of brain-damaged kinda thing is that?!

Usually, my “I’m waiting til I get married” deal gets rid of these guys. Notsomuch lately. I was considering wearing a ring, but it’s highly improbable that some people have respect for that, either.

And then, there’s the temptation. It’s not like I can discuss it with the people I talk to, because they just play off of it, like it’s funny that I am constantly fighting the lustful thoughts that run through my head. It amuses them. As I’m trying to grow in my walk, they keep using for their entertainment.

And it’s not just guys anymore, either. Nothing is sacred. Women who have no problem telling others what should be kept between them and their S.O. No respect. I tell ya.

Why am I single? Maybe I just don’t believe anymore that there’s a possibility of equality in a relationship like that . Fear of confrontation, fear of commitment, fear of actually relating to someone on a level that is beyond explanation, just to find out it was a farce.

Interestingly enough, I believe it could happen that I would find someone who is everything I could possibly want in a man, and want to ruin it just for spite. I don’t know why, but it’s a haunting feeling.

Even wierder than that, is when someone I may or may not be interested in starts getting closer, and I shut them out. Making excuses, rationalizing my way out of the obvious interest. And yet, I hold on to hope that they see thru it. Right.

Why I do it is beyond even me. I’m not holding out for something better, I’m not really so afraid of the work that it takes. But, maybe, the possibility that I put in the work, the guy puts in the work, and it still doesn’t work out. Someone still gets hurt to the point of walking or running away. Or worse, staying in the relationship when there’s nothing left to hold on to. Again

I just want to be excited about seeing someone again. Not the whole beginning of a relationship kind of thrill.Genuine excitement that two people, flawed as we are, can see past the differences, talk openly and honestly, not manipulate each other, trust God, and just be. Thru the quiet times, because there’s nothing to say, the wild times, when you both talk at once and then just laugh about it (instead of accusing each other of not listening), thru pain and joy and life, and yes, I do believe it’s possible.

Ok, there’s my thoughts, based on a day of temptation and confession. It’s time for a nap.